Killing Time
by coupdepam
Summary: Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Killing Time 1/12   
Author: coupdepam   
Rating: PG-13   
Spoilers: Seasons 1 & 2   
Category: Angst/Drama   
Summary: Is Sam killing time or is it killing him.   
Disclaimer: I don't own the setting or the characters but the plot is mine (evil ESF   
laugh) all mine!  
  
Chapter One  
  
Sam sneaked a furtive look at his wristwatch then scratched his nose and hoped   
the action would hide the yawn that had been threatening to claim him ever   
since the President had said, "Believe me Sam there are many things you don't   
know about Yellowstone National Park."  
  
Sam just wanted to go home. He had been covering for Toby who had been ill   
for the past few days and Leo had told him that as Toby was due back the next   
day he could come in later on in the morning. His thoughts about how he would   
spend the extra time were interrupted by the President's voice, "...over one   
hundred tremors a day Sam...under the park. They're using a sound meter to   
measure waves. They can record if the waves pass through solid or molten   
rock. The possibility of a volcano erupting under Yellowstone is not as   
ridiculous as it sounds."  
  
Sam uncrossed his legs and leant forward in his seat. "Do you think we will be   
able to get Yogi out in time sir?"   
  
It was at this point that Leo entered and told Sam to head off home and make   
the most of his 'extra' time. Sam was glad for a reason to leave as his deadpan   
response to the President had not gone down at all well.  
Sam glanced at the clock and lay back on his pillow. He wished he was at work   
now so he could tell Josh what he had said to the President when bombarded by   
his facts about Yellowstone. He realised that showing even a hint of boredom   
or sarcasm was not a wise move but desperate times called for desperate   
measures. Sam started to drift off back to sleep thinking strange thoughts about   
Yogi Bear and volcanoes.   
  
When he awoke he had a leisurely breakfast watched a little morning TV, and   
spent a little more time than usual choosing his wardrobe. Apart from that he   
couldn't think of anything productive he could do in a couple of hours and was   
secretly thinking he would really rather be at work. It felt very weird to still be   
at home at ten o'clock in the morning. The past few days hadn't been   
particularly exhausting but Sam knew what Toby was like when he missed   
work. He would be playing catch up and taking out his frustration on everyone   
and in that respect Sam was glad that he had the first few hours away from the   
bullpen.  
  
After sorting through some laundry and undertaking another fruitless search of   
the TV stations, he decided he would head in a little earlier than he was   
expected to and go to the gym. It would be nice to be able to take his time there   
as well, instead of trying to fit a visit into a lunch hour.   
  
Sam's head was in the back of his wardrobe, he was looking for his sneakers.   
He hadn't realised it had been that long since he had been to workout. His head   
was now covered with the bottom of his tuxedo that trailed above him so he   
didn't hear the glass in the bathroom window break. He didn't hear the gentle   
thud of two feet landing on the carpeted floor and he didn't even hear the bottle   
of pills fall into the sink as the intruder took a perfunctory swipe at the contents   
of the medicine cabinet.  
  
Sam sat by his wardrobe. One hand was on his hip the other was supporting his   
chin. He looked like a carbon copy of The Thinker except all he was thinking   
about was where he had last seen his sneakers. Then he heard it. A crash   
followed by a curse. Sam froze. His mind raced through the possibilities for the   
noise. Was the television on? Did the landlord come up and check out his   
apartment when he wasn't there? He tried to make sense of the noise in a   
rational way but the sick feeling in his stomach told him that something was   
very wrong.  
  
The intruder cursed again as he tripped over the telephone wire that he had just   
knocked over. Then he saw Sam's keys and mobile phone. He experienced the   
same sick feeling that Sam had when he had realised he wasn't alone in the   
apartment. The intruder moved quickly and in doing so headed for what he   
thought was the door that would lead him back to the bathroom. He barged   
through it aware that he had already made enough noise to alert the owner to   
his presence. As he walked into the room, Sam was walking out and they   
almost collided in the middle of the open door. They stood staring at each   
other.   
  
"Shit." The intruder hissed.  
Sam thought the man in front of him seemed just as afraid as he was.  
  
"Stay away from me." He warned as Sam took a step towards him.   
  
"Look..." Sam began. He had no idea what he was going to say but he knew   
his only option was to try to calm him down. Sam raised his hand trying to   
pacify the now distressed man.   
  
"Let's just..." Before he could say another word the intruder took a hurried   
step towards him. He swiped at Sam's outstretched arm knocking him   
backwards onto his bed. Before Sam could react he felt the man's hand pushing   
him down. The next thing he felt was a sharp sudden pain in his chest. He tried   
to stand but only managed to slide onto the floor. He had only been punched a   
few times before but he remembered the pain that comes after it and the feeling   
of all the air being pushed out at once. He was breathing rapidly and couldn't   
seem to focus on sounds or sights. The intruder stood over him for a few   
seconds, Sam wasn't sure if it was his harsh breathing he could hear or the   
intruder's. When he next looked up the man had fled, leaving the bathroom   
window banging on its hinges behind him.  
The digits on the clock in Toby's office switched to 11:30 at exactly the same   
time as Toby bellowed for Ginger. She peered round Toby's door; she too   
knew how Toby was when he had been away from his office for more than a   
few days.  
"Phone Sam, I need to know where my thing is."  
  
"You're sure you want me to do that?" Ginger replied.  
  
"Well yes Ginger. When I asked you to phone Sam that's what I was hoping   
you would do."  
  
"I mean you're sure you want me to phone Sam and ask him if he knows where   
your thing is?"  
  
"Ginger..." Toby laced Ginger's name with so much threat that she   
immediately knew to not to carry on with that particular topic.  
  
"Somebody has been in this office. They have been in this office and they have   
touched my desk." Toby explained.  
  
"Toby I can stand here with my hand on my heart and say that no one has   
touched your desk, they..."  
  
Toby's voice cut across Ginger's, "If this is going to be one those things where   
you say that people touched things on my desk but nobody actually touched my   
desk, I think you should know that they never amuse me."  
  
Ginger smiled at Toby, "Toby I'm not going to phone Sam. He will be in   
within the hour and then you can ask him if he knows where your thing is. You   
never know he might even help you look for it."  
  
"Go now please."  
Ginger headed back to her desk. Toby knew she would be smiling in fact the   
way his day was going so far he could guarantee she would be smirking. Toby   
continued to carry out a mental inventory of all the items that had been moved   
or were missing from his desk. And when Sam got in he was going to make   
him sit there and find or explain the absence of every one.  
Sam couldn't get his breath back. He was still sitting where he had fallen at the   
foot of his bed. Slowly he got to his feet and started to walk to the phone. He   
knew he wouldn't be up to going in and thought he better phone Toby...no   
Ginger...she could tell Toby that he wouldn't be in. As Sam reached the phone   
a shot of pain forced him to double over. He went to where he always went   
when he felt ill; the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Sam couldn't understand   
why the bathroom window was open. His unfocused eyes didn't take in the   
smashed glass on the windowsill and floor. Sam thought he was carefully   
browsing through the contents of the cupboard. In fact he was now groggily   
groping for and dropping pill bottles and other items. Sam thought he had been   
punched, in fact he had been stabbed and the hand that clutched his chest was   
now covered in his blood. He lent heavily against the sink. He was finding it   
hard to focus, his breathing was strained and the shock that was beginning to   
take hold of his system refused to allow him to realize that he was bleeding and   
that he had been stabbed.  
Toby was now in a meeting. He had told Ginger to give Sam another hour and   
then start phoning him. He hated to admit it but he really did need Sam here.   
He didn't know the full background to the discussion he was currently involved   
in and he knew Sam had spent a great deal of time talking to at least two of the   
people who were at the moment doing a very good job of opposing his   
argument. He wiped his hand over his forehead when he looked up he noticed   
that it was now 12:00 Sam knew that Toby would have wanted to talk to him   
before he went into the meeting.   
"Toby...well...can you honestly sit there and tell me you agree with that?"  
  
Toby realized he had obviously already been asked this question and not   
answered it. He also realized he did not have the faintest clue what had been   
said in the room for the past few minutes.  
  
"Let's call it for lunch. Meet back in an hour. Then I can tell you whether I   
agree with you or not; but I wouldn't hold out too much hope for the honesty   
bit if I were you." The meeting adjourned Toby headed back to the bullpen.   
  
Sam let go of his stomach and held onto the sink with both hands. As he placed   
his bloodied hand down it slipped and caused him to lurch forward. As he lifted   
his head he finally managed to focus on the reflection that greeted him. Sam   
stared at the deathly pale, shaking, blood covered reflection that greeted his   
eyes. He placed his hand on his chest again and this time his brain recognized   
the warm, sticky substance that oozed through his fingers. The sight and feel of   
the blood broke through to his numb mind and he slowly began to make his   
way to his phone.  
Ginger was on the phone when Toby got to her desk. She saw Toby arrive and   
put the receiver down. "He's not answering Toby that's the fourth time I've   
called his home and his cell."  
  
"Keep trying...no call Josh he's due back from the Hill but see if you can catch   
him before he leaves. Put him straight through if you get him."  
"Do you want me to keep trying Sam after that?"   
  
"Oh yes Ginger...keep trying Sam. You may want to leave a few warning   
messages too."  
  
"Warning him about what?" Ginger called as Toby turned to leave.  
  
"Me Ginger...me."  
Sam was panicking now that his senses had returned enough to let him register   
both pain and fear. The journey from his bathroom to the phone seemed to be   
taking forever. He gasped as a shiver racked his body and the pain that   
followed it caused him to fall to the ground. As he fell the first shrill tone of his   
phone rang out.   
"Sam...it's Ginger. You better get in here Toby is not happy...well more   
unhappy than usual. He's going back to his meeting in a while and I think he   
wants you here before he does so get a move on! Oh...and I think he knows   
about the stapler!" Sam could only listen to Ginger's voice and the bleep that   
followed. He pulled his legs in and wrapped his arms round his waist.  
  
Josh threw his backpack over his shoulder and started making his way back to   
the White House. His phone rang as he reached the main doors and Ginger's   
voice sounded before he could say hello.  
"Josh I'm putting you through to Toby."  
  
There was only a short pause before he heard Toby's voice.   
"Josh I need you to go by Sam's on your way here."  
  
"I'm not going to Sam's. He's having the morning off to escape your Daddy   
Bear 'who's been sitting at my desk' routine. Anyway if you need something   
picked up I'm pretty sure there's a few reliable courier services in   
Washington."  
  
"Humor me Josh, go to Sam's and get him in here now."  
  
"You're taking a beatin' in a meetin'."   
  
"I may be having some...problems finding a point that I can...you   
know...argue logically..."  
  
"Well that's never stopped you before." Josh interrupted, "I'm not going to   
Sam's Toby. He'll be in soon. Just dazzle them with your natural charm and   
wit...man are you stuffed."  
Toby didn't rise to Josh's bait. The older man hung up and Josh smiled as he   
snapped his phone shut and headed through the doors.  
  
Sam drifted in and out of the blackness that had been threatening to claim him   
since the intruder had struck. His mind filled with jumbled images of Yogi   
Bear, trainers and staplers. After a few failed attempts he no longer had the   
strength or the wherewithal to try to get to his feet. Sounds floated in to his   
apartment. The traffic was proving to be quite a soothing sound and in the gaps   
between Sam could hear bird song. The noises were occasionally interrupted by   
the sound of the bathroom window banging open and shut. Startled, Sam's eyes   
snapped open. He groped to switch off his alarm clock and then realized that he   
was not in bed he was laying on the floor and it was not the alarm it was the   
phone.   
"Sam...buddy...I think you better head in. Toby is really pissed at you. He's   
struggling in that meeting...Cruft and Callaghan are making him look like an   
idiot...on second thoughts take your time. Come and hide in my office when   
you get in. And another thing...I think he knows about the stapler. I gave it to   
Donna but I don't think she put it back...or she may have put hers back   
instead...anyway we need to come up with a plan...blaming Donna's looking   
good to me. See ya.  
  
Josh held onto the phone before he put it down. Sam was pushing it if he was   
much longer coming in. Josh figured that he must be driving in and that's why   
he didn't answer his mobile. He went out to Donna's desk and started rifling   
through the contents of her desk.  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Donna...sneak up on a guy why don't you."   
  
"You're doing the sneaking." Josh's plan to blame Donna for the missing   
stapler was becoming more tempting.   
  
"When I gave you that stapler you put it back where I told you to right?"  
  
"Would this be the stapler that Ginger is frantically searching for?"  
  
"Ah...yeah...so did you?"  
  
"Yes I put it back where you told me to...but I don't think you told me to put it   
on Toby's desk."  
  
"Donna! I told you...I was very clear. It's my job to give you important   
instructions it's your job to listen attentively and carry them out."  
  
"Well you might need to be more explicit because I didn't think a stapler was   
as important as oh I don't know contacting a congressman or..."  
  
"Stop talking." Josh interrupted, "Right. Now think; on whose desk do you   
think you might have put it?"  
  
"Well not Ginger's that for sure."  
  
Josh was loosing the little patience he possessed. "I don't think you realize the   
seriousness of this..."  
  
"Stapler situation."  
  
"Yes this stapler situation. Sam stole Toby's stapler at my request. I lost it.   
Toby is looking for it. How serious do you want this to get?"  
  
"Ok Josh here's what we're going to do. We're going to surreptitiously and   
calmly look for the stapler. If we can't find it I can casually mention in front of   
Toby that I was surprised to see that he had let Sam borrow his stapler and   
then..."  
  
"That's very good."  
  
"Thank you...I have a good teacher."  
  
"No really 'cos my plan was to blame you."  
  
"Well I prefer this plan it would work out better for me."  
  
"Yeah." Josh shepherded Donna away from her desk and towards Toby's   
office.  
  
Sam felt thirsty but there was very little he could do about it. He was restless   
but was unable to stand or move a great deal. His breathing which had been   
becoming more difficult now consisted of shallow raspy breaths and when he   
breathed in he could hear a sucking noise. He listened to the sounds of his   
breathing as he stared at the flashing light of the answer phone.  
  
Ginger looked a little pale Josh thought as he passed her desk. She mimed a   
cut-throat action to Donna but was unable to elaborate as Toby came rushing   
towards them.  
"Page Sam now." Toby was furious he was holding a stack of papers in his   
hand which had fallen to the floor as he smacked his hand on the desk on the   
word 'now'.  
  
"These will be in the wrong order you should have put them in a file or   
something." Josh bent to help him collate them. "Toby?"  
  
"Yes Josh."  
"Do you want to borrow my stapler?"  
  
Ginger winced at the onslaught she knew was coming. "Page him Ginger. Put   
'Phone office-urgent'.  
  
Toby calmed himself down as he reordered the papers. Josh stood with his   
hands in his pockets watching Ginger do as Toby had requested. Sam could be   
forgiven for not answering his phones but a pager was different especially with   
the message Ginger had sent. He couldn't wait to see what Toby was going to   
say when he answered. The silence was broken by Ginger mumbling and   
paging again. Toby put the papers down on the desk and looked at Josh. Josh   
returned the gaze with an equally puzzled expression.  
"Do it again Ginger." Josh spoke quietly.  
  
Again Ginger paged Sam and again there was no response.  
After Toby's rage of a few moments ago the quiet that had now descended   
upon the group of four was palatable. "How many times did you try phoning   
this morning?"  
  
"I don't know Toby. I thought he was lying low because of..." Ginger didn't   
finish the sentence. All thoughts of hiding from irate bosses were now   
irrelevant. To not answer a page especially an urgent one was not Sam at all.  
  
"You know what I'm going to head over there." Josh said.  
  
"OK. It's probably nothing...pager's broken or you'll meet him driving in."   
Toby replied but he sounded like he was trying to convince himself.  
  
Josh stared at Toby, "Are you worried?"  
  
"Not yet. But I'm getting there." Toby scratched his forehead and sighed. "It's   
probably..."  
  
"nothing...yeah I know." Josh went back to his office quickly collected his   
keys and headed off to Sam's.  
  
Sam's pager was clipped to his belt. He tried to pull it off. The sound had   
irritated him and the agitation it had caused had increased the pain in his chest.   
He couldn't get his hand to do what he wanted it to and gave up trying. The   
phone continued to ring every so often but who ever was dialing hung up when   
the answer machine started. Sam wrapped his arms tighter round his waist and   
brought his knees further towards his stomach until he was curled up into a   
ball. He stared fixedly at the answer machine's flashing light and tried not to   
believe the terrified voice in his head telling him that no one was going to find   
him.  
  
TBC 


	2. Killing Time Chapter Two

Author: coupdepam  
Disclaimer: Rating and disclaimer info in part one.  
  
KILLING TIME  
Chapter Two  
  
Josh fumbled in his bag for Sam's spare key. He had decided to stop over at his place   
on the way to pick them up. While Josh had been driving he had begun to realize that   
not answering the phone was not like Sam. Even if he had been avoiding Toby he   
would have returned the call eventually. It had been a few hours since Ginger had first   
tried to contact him. Josh's stomach was a pit of fear and had been since the silence in   
which Sam had failed to answer his pager. He reached the door of Sam's apartment   
and decided not to knock, "I'm letting myself in Sam." He called as he turned the key   
in the lock.   
  
As he opened the door the first sight that greeted him was Sam's head. As he opened   
it wider the scene extended to show Sam's whole body curled up on the floor. Josh   
stood in shock taking in the lifeless form and the pool of blood. The sound of the   
bathroom window banging against the frame jolted him into action and he reached a   
now shaking hand into his pocket for his phone. He seemed to make it from the door   
frame to Sam's side in one fluent movement. He stammered his responses to the   
operator and found it hard to remember the number of Sam's apartment. Whilst he   
had been on the phone Josh had laid one hand on Sam's shoulder when he had   
finished the call he shook Sam and placed both his hands on Sam and tried to roll him   
onto his back. Sam's eyes had continued to stare at the answer phone's flashing light   
but they now opened wide in panic as he started to fight Josh's hands. The operator   
had told Josh to place the flat of his palm over the wound but he was unable to do   
anything whilst Sam was using his last reserves of strength to constantly push Josh's   
hands away from him.  
"Sam...Sam!" Josh shouted his name and was still unable to break through the fog of   
fear and panic that had wrapped around his friend.   
  
He placed his hands on Sam's face and pulled his head from the floor. "Look at   
me...Sam look at me...it's Josh...it's ok."   
  
Sam eyes finally seemed to focus and though still filled with fear they found Josh's   
concerned face looming above. "It's ok." Josh repeated as he reached over to the sofa   
for a pillow and gently laid Sam's head onto it.   
  
"Josh...Josh...I...didn't..." Josh told Sam to shush. With each breath Josh could hear   
a hissing sound and realized with horror that it was coming from Sam's chest. He   
pulled his hand from Sam's tight grasp and placed it over the wound. The hissing   
noise stopped. With his free hand he reached for his phone again.   
  
Toby was reaching for a cup when the phone rang. He cursed as the sudden   
movement he made knocked it over and the contents spilt over his desk. "Josh?"  
  
"Toby...he's...it's..." Toby could hear Josh stuttering and breathing hard.  
  
"For God's sake Josh what's wrong." Toby's stern voice had much the same effect as   
the window banging had and Josh found himself able to make sense of what he was   
trying to say.   
  
"Sam has been hurt...stabbed...I think he's been stabbed. I've called an ambulance   
...he's bleeding...we should have come..." Toby's voice cut him off this time it was   
firm but reassuring.   
  
"Josh is he conscious?"  
  
"Yes he tried to speak but now..." Josh's voice trailed off  
  
"Have you stopped the bleeding?   
  
"Yeah the operator told me to put my hand on it...there was this noise but it's stopped   
now. I think the ambulance...shit..."  
  
"Josh?"  
  
"Oh shit Toby."  
  
"Josh what's going on?"  
The phone lay on the floor beside Josh as he tried to find a way to stop Sam from   
choking on the frothy blood that he was now coughing up. Josh pulled Sam over until   
the side of his face was on the floor. Sam continued to cough and splutter and as Josh   
wiped the blood away he noticed the blueness of Sam's lips. When the choking noises   
stopped the shallow rasp and hiss of Sam's breathing returned. Josh could hear him   
mumbling something but wasn't able to make out the words. He heard his own name   
though and told Sam again and again that he was there and everything was alright. He   
placed his palm over the wound, tucked the phone under his chin and this time used   
his free hand to grab Sam's hand which again held on with surprising strength.  
  
"Toby I'm here...he was...did you think I was going to die when you found me?"  
  
"What...err...for a moment...yes I think I did."   
  
"He won't" This was not a question Josh was stating a fact. "They're here Toby I'll   
phone you." Josh snapped his phone shut and called out, "In here...we're here."   
  
The paramedics gently removed Sam's hand from his then firmly removed Josh from   
Sam's side. He answered their questions about previous medical conditions and   
current medication and he listened to their secret language some of the words flittered   
by him others seemed to stay in the air and hover; blood pressure...chest   
tube...pneumothorax...cyanosis. Josh walked round to the other side of Sam so that   
he could see that he was still there but Sam had already slipped into unconsciousness.   
The IV had been inserted and cardiac monitors placed on his chest and as he was   
lifted onto the gurney Josh's gaze stayed on the pool of blood that had collected   
beneath him.   
  
"Sir" The paramedic raised her voice, "Sir...are you going to follow?"   
  
Josh found out where they were taking Sam and told them he would make his own   
way there. He went to the bathroom and fastened the window, he hung a towel from   
the curtain rail and wedged it into the frame to attempt to cover the hole, he washed   
his hands and watched the blood spiral round and down the plughole and then he   
leaned over the toilet bowl took three deep breaths, gave in to his stomach and   
vomited.  
  
Toby spoke even though Margaret was on the phone. "I need to see him." She took   
one look at Toby's face placed the caller on hold and went into Leo's office.  
  
"Go on in Toby. Is everything alright?"   
  
He didn't answer and he didn't give Leo a chance to speak. "Sam's been stabbed.   
Josh is with him. I'm going to the hospital."  
  
"Sam's been stabbed? Jesus Toby...was he mugged." Leo walked over to where Toby   
stood.  
  
"No he was at home. I don't know Leo...it must have been an intruder...I don't   
know. Can we worry about 'why' later on?" Leo gave a small nod and told Toby to   
go. As Toby rushed past her Leo yelled her name and Margaret knew whatever   
Toby's visit was about it wasn't good news.  
  
Josh placed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched the nurses   
and doctors at work. He couldn't see Sam's face anymore. He had changed positions   
from where he'd had a clear view when a nurse had come crashing through the door   
and told him to move. She had been carrying blood; blood for Sam. He strained to   
hear what was being said but could only make out certain comments above the clatter   
and bleeps of the ER. "Are you sure?" The voice cut above the others in the room.  
  
"We don't need a chest x-ray...look at the wound...there's cyanosis...he's   
hypotensive."   
  
Josh thought that Sam had died when he heard that. He thought that it was too late to   
help him; that he had been too late. The Doctors were in fact deciding that an x-ray   
was unnecessary- it was clear to them what was wrong with Sam. They worked   
around his unconscious form cutting his clothing, attaching an IV drip and giving him   
blood to replace what he had bled onto his living room floor. The next time Josh   
heard one of the Doctors speak there was no misunderstanding the meaning of his   
words.   
  
"Do we know how long he was waiting to be found...well another half hour and it   
would have been too late."   
  
It wasn't the fact that Sam had nearly died that shocked Josh. He had known that as he   
had sat helplessly watching his friend loose his struggle to stay with him. It was the   
Doctors words that hit Josh as hard as any punch and then stayed with him and   
repeated over and over, 'waiting to be found...waiting to be found'. Josh closed his   
eyes and leaned heavily against the wall. He started as a hand was placed on his   
shoulder.  
  
"What's happening?" As he spoke Toby caught sight of Sam in the room behind.   
Both men stood in silence facing opposite directions; one trying anxiously to get a   
look at Sam's face and the other wondering if he'd ever be able to look Sam in the   
face again.   
  
Josh lent back in his chair as Toby returned with two more cups of coffee and threw   
the last, now cold, cups away. He sat back down next to Josh and rubbed his eyes   
wearily. "It's not our fault Josh." Toby lent back in his chair and sighed, "We didn't   
know."  
  
"Toby please...you didn't see him lying there." Now Josh lent back and turned to face   
Toby, "I heard what the Doctor said. If I'd been half an hour later he would have been   
dead. So don't sit there and tell me it isn't my fault when Sam was lying waiting to   
be found whilst I was trying to figure out how to put a stapler back on your desk."   
Josh spat the word stapler with venom and by the time he had finished his rant he was   
standing over Toby with his hands on his hips. Toby waited until Josh's breathing had   
slowed and then asked in a calm, even voice, "Did you stab him?"  
  
"What...why are you?"  
  
"Did you stab him?" Toby repeated.  
"No Toby I didn't stab him." Toby just nodded as if he had made his point.   
  
"But I twisted the knife."  
  
"Okay Josh you carry on along your journey of self hatred and recrimination. I'm   
going to go ask the nurses if they know anything about the...you know...reality of the   
situation."  
  
Josh sat back down and reached for the cup of coffee the smell of it made his stomach   
lurch and he decided pacing up and down the waiting room would be the best course   
of action. He had covered the small area at least four times before he heard the door   
open and turned to see Toby entering with a doctor close behind.   
  
"Sit down Josh." Toby ordered and Josh sat. The Doctor remained standing by the   
door and after introducing himself began to relate Sam's condition.   
  
"Mr Seaborn was in a bad condition when he was bought in. We had trouble   
stabilizing him and decided to take him to surgery to close the wound and insert a   
chest tube to treat the injury he sustained. The wound caused air to enter between the   
lung and its lining this caused pressure on the lung and it collapsed. Unfortunately the   
uninjured lung was affected by the pressure that built up and that prevented his heart   
from refilling with blood properly. In other words he is a very lucky man that you   
found him when you did. He's lost a lot of blood and the shock was severe. He had   
some problems after surgery so we have intubated him. He has a chest tube inserted   
which will re-expand the lung. He is sedated but a nurse will be along soon to take   
you to see him."   
The Doctor shook their hands and walked out leaving the two men staring at the door   
after him. Toby stood up and threw away the two cups of coffee.  
  
CJ sat with her feet on her desk skimming her third newspaper of the morning. At the   
sight of Leo standing in the doorframe she put the newspaper down and swung her   
legs off the desk. Leo rarely came to CJ's office. On the few occasions he had it had   
always been bad news.  
  
"Hey CJ." Leo came into the room and shut the door behind him.  
  
"What's wrong?" Leo walked over to CJ's desk and sat down on the edge of it.  
  
"This morning Sam was stabbed by a man who broke into his apartment. Josh found   
him and he's at the hospital now with Toby. I'm waiting for Toby to call. CJ?" Leo   
made sure CJ was listening before he continued. "I need you to phone the hospital and   
get a report of his condition. Nothing to the press until we know what the... situation   
is. I need you to get a statement from the police as well. This is hard CJ I know that   
but I need you to do your job. It will be easier if you focus on what you have to do as   
press secretary. I told the President first but I wanted to tell you before you heard it   
from one of the press."  
  
"How did he take it?"  
  
"Not well...Ron's with him at the moment...trying to explain why he doesn't have   
any information for him yet."  
  
CJ nodded at Leo her face was pale and her hands clasped tightly on the desk.  
"CJ?" Leo spoke quietly.  
  
"It's okay Leo. I'm Okay." Leo was about to reply when Margaret appeared at the   
door.   
  
"Leo, it's Toby."  
  
"Put him through to here." He sat back down on the desk and placed CJ's phone on   
speaker while they waited for the call to be transferred.   
  
"Toby I'm with CJ."  
  
"CJ someone here is going to make a statement to the press but they're going to speak   
to you first. We just spoke to the Doctor and he told us that Sam..."  
Leo and CJ sat and listened as Toby related what the Doctor had told him. Half way   
through CJ started to take notes. Leo was right it did help to focus on her job. She   
scribbled 'difficulties stabilising in ER' on her pad and tried to forget the images of   
Sam that were already forming in her mind.  
  
Toby shut the door quietly behind him and walked to the end of Sam's bed.  
"CJ's going to speak to him before he makes the statement and then she's going to do   
a briefing at two o'clock."  
  
Josh didn't care what CJ was going to do or what the press were going to be told.   
  
"I phoned his parents they're on their way."  
Toby had made four phone calls since the Doctor had spoken to them. Josh knew that   
he was trying to keep busy and make himself feel like he was being useful. Josh had   
decided he was going to stay until Sam woke up that was how he was going to be   
useful. He was going to stay with his friend.   
  
"Are you going to just stand there or sit down?" Josh asked irritably.   
  
"I think I'm going to head back...I can't do anything here...I need to write some   
notes for CJ anyway."  
"Okay. Will you send Donna over? I've got a sports bag in my office with a   
sweatshirt in. I can't sit here with...I don't want him to see it when he wakes up"   
Toby had seen but not mentioned the blood that covered Josh's shirt. He had begun to   
wonder if Josh was oblivious to it.   
  
"Yeah. You'll phone me if there's any change?"  
  
"Yes." Toby stayed for a few moments longer. He tapped the bed rail, cleared his   
throat, turned and left. A cacophony of sounds filled the room. Machines buzzed and   
beeped but all Josh could hear was the sound of the ventilator helping Sam to breathe.   
He watched the bubbles of air travelling down the tube from his chest to the water   
bottle. He held onto Sam's hand with both of his and started to count the bubbles as   
they made their way down the tube.   
  
A nurse came over to Sam's bed. Josh continued to count. 33...  
She took Sam's temperature. 34...checked the tubing and water bottle 35...replaced a   
bag of fluid attached to the IV. 36...she recorded her findings on the chart at the foot   
of the bed. The nurse worked wordlessly and Josh was grateful for it.   
  
It was early evening and the ICU unit had taken on a faint reddish glow from the   
sunset. Sam had been sedated for a number of hours and Josh knew that once the   
sedative wore off they would remove the tube if they were happy with his breathing.   
Josh remembered coming round from his operation and the feeling of sheer panic that   
had overtaken him when he felt the tube in his throat and found he was unable to   
breathe. Josh was determined to be there when that happened to Sam. Donna's hand   
on his arm startled him from his thoughts and he said nothing as she rubbed his arm   
soothingly.   
"I brought your top."   
  
"Thanks Donna." He took the bag and walked over to the far side of the room to an   
empty bed and pulled the side curtain across. Donna watched as he removed his blood   
soaked shirt and vest and said nothing as he rolled them into a ball and shoved them   
into the waste bin. He washed his hands and returned to his seat by the side of the bed.   
  
"What can I do Josh?" Donna had walked over to hunch down in front of Josh.  
  
"Go to Sam's and pack some things for him. He'll wake up later and he'll want his   
own things." Josh handed the keys to Sam's apartment to her but she didn't take them.  
  
"Josh it's a crime scene the police won't just let me walk in there...I don't think I   
could anyway."   
  
Josh stared at her and as the reality of her words sunk in he nodded his agreement.   
She stood up and kissed him on the top of his head leant over the bed and kissed Sam   
also. It was not long after Donna left that Sam began to stir. Josh called the nurse over   
and watched as his eyes opened. He looked around the room without seeming to focus   
on anything and then the panic that Josh knew only too well took hold and the   
confusion was replaced with fear. Josh could hear the nurse talking soothingly and   
explaining what was happening. She was trying to get Sam to breathe in and out but   
he was so gripped by terror that he was unable to focus on anything else.  
  
"Sam- stop it. You've got to relax and try to breathe by yourself then she'll take it   
out." As he spoke Josh put his hand on Sam's head and forced his face towards him.   
Wide frightened eyes stared up at him but this time they seemed to focus. When the   
nurse spoke again Sam did what he was told and after trying to breathe in and out   
twice he felt the pressure slowly leaving his throat. Josh continued to keep his hand on   
Sam's head as he coughed and gagged.   
  
"You're good Mr Lyman we could use you around here for all our anxious patients."   
The nurse smiled.   
  
"It's only Sam I can calm down I have the opposite effect on most other people." Josh   
sat back down running a hand through his hair.  
  
The nurse shot a grin at Josh and then raised her voice "Mr Seaborn do you know   
where you are?"  
Sam had closed his eyes and was only able to mumble in response.  
  
"Come on Mr Seaborn open your eyes...open your eyes please."  
Sam slowly opened his eyes and let his gaze fall in the general direction of where the   
voice was coming from.   
  
"That's it...do you know where you are?" The nurse repeated.  
  
"Not...home...hospital." Sam guessed.  
The nurse explained what had happened to Sam in very simple terms and then asked   
him about what he remembered and how he was feeling. Sam answered them all with   
almost unintelligible responses. When the nurse left, Sam closed his eyes and again   
mumbled something that Josh couldn't hear. As Toby and CJ entered the room the   
sight that greeted them was of Josh leaning close to his friend they couldn't tell what   
he was saying but Sam occasionally nodded. Josh had his hand on Sam's head and   
was stroking his forehead with his thumb.   
The two visitors stood by the side of the bed and watched as Josh lulled Sam to sleep. 


	3. Killing Time Chapter Three

Author: coupdepam  
Disclaimer: Rating and disclaimer info in part one.  
  
KILLING TIME  
Chapter Three  
  
The first thing that Josh noticed was that the answer phone light was still persistently   
flashing by Sam's front door. The second thing was the large stain of blood that had   
ruined the rug. Josh sank into the chair and sighed.  
  
"I'm going to be buying a rug."   
"Sam I asked you what you were doing this weekend."   
"Yes Josh and I replied ' I'm going to be buying a rug'- and possibly a throw."  
"If anyone else asks you how you're spending the weekend- don't say that."  
"Well it's what I'm doing."  
"Make something up."  
Josh stretched and kept his hands on the top of Sam's office doorframe. Sam   
continued to pack various files and folders into his briefcase. "I on the other hand   
will be doing many interesting and stimulating things this weekend."   
"Good." Sam was finished packing and was waiting for Josh to move so he could   
leave his office.  
"And I can tell you my friend that buying rugs will not be one of them."  
"Good for you Josh." Sam pushed past Josh and as he was almost out of sight called   
over his shoulder,  
"C and C flooring, Vermont Avenue, two o'clock."  
"Okay," Josh called back. "Buying rugs, it appears will be one of them." Josh said to   
Sam's empty office.  
  
Josh smiled as he remembered the 'Rug Hunt' that had taken all of Saturday afternoon   
and most of Sunday. It turned out that Sam had an almost freakish knowledge of rugs   
and knew exactly what he was looking for. He bent down and started to roll it up. It   
was a beautiful design and matched the colour scheme of the room perfectly. He   
covered both ends with trash bags and stood it by the door to take down to his car   
later. He then went back to the bathroom. The police had finished their work and Josh   
set about clearing every remnant of the disorder away. He swept up the glass from the   
window and starting picking up the pill bottles that still lay scattered around the floor   
and sink. He couldn't understand what had happened to the contents of the medical   
cupboard and grimaced at the thought of the story that Sam would eventually tell him,   
or that he would eventually make Sam tell him. Before he left he played the messages   
on the answer phone as he stood with a pen waiting to jot down anything important   
his stomach turned. The messages were from him and Ginger, mindless, stupid   
messages about Toby's stapler. Josh waited until the final beep and pressed delete but   
he didn't move from the table for a good while longer.  
  
Toby sat by Sam's bed scribbling notes. There was something about the atmosphere   
of the hospital early in the morning that helped him to concentrate. Sam had fallen   
asleep almost as soon as he had arrived. The room was filling up with flowers and   
cards but he had hardly seemed to notice. This was the start of his fourth day in   
hospital and he had said very little to his visitors and nothing about the attack. Toby   
hoped he would wake before he left as he wanted to be gone before Josh arrived. He   
couldn't face another debate about how they should have realised sooner that Sam   
needed help- the last thing he needed was another dance around Josh's conscience. A   
murmur from Sam drew Toby from his thoughts and he watched as his forehead   
furrowed and he mumbled again more loudly.  
  
"I haven't been for ages." In his sleep Sam was back in his apartment and the   
intruder was with him- helping him look for his trainers.  
"They could be in my office." Sam called from inside the hall cupboard.  
"Found them!" The intruder shouted triumphantly.  
Sam walked into his bedroom and knelt beside the man who was rummaging at the   
back of his wardrobe.   
"They're stuck." The man laughed.  
"Here let me try." Sam leant into the wardrobe too and recoiled as something sharp   
sliced his hand.   
"They're here somewhere." The man continued, "Can't get hold of them...ah here we   
are."  
He pulled out of the wardrobe quickly, grabbed Sam's shoulder so that he was facing   
him and thrust the knife into his chest. Sam called desperately for Josh and the   
intruder vanished and in his place Standing over him was Josh. He bent over Sam and   
told him that everything was going to be alright. Sam smiled up at him and closed his   
eyes. He felt Josh's hands on his shoulders gently at first but then shaking him more   
forcefully and telling him to wake up. When he opened his eyes Josh was no longer   
there his face was now replaced with the face of the intruder who leant in close to   
Sam and whispered.  
"He's not coming."  
  
Sam's eyes sprung open he was breathing hard and couldn't quite catch his breath.   
Toby was standing over him, his hands on his shoulders. He stayed in that position   
until he had managed to control his breathing at which point he patted Sam's shoulder   
and sat back down.   
"What's the time?" Sam hoped Toby would take the hint that he did not want to talk   
about his nightmare.   
  
"It's six thirty. Are you okay do you want me to get the nurse?"  
  
"It was just a dream. I'm fine now." Sam was unable to meet Toby's eyes so instead   
he closed his and said, "I'm tired...I'm sorry...will you tell Josh I don't want him to   
come this morning."  
  
At Sam's words Toby leant forward in his chair and closer to Sam. "Are you sure   
Sam...maybe it would do you good to see Josh now...you can sleep this afternoon."   
The prospect of providing even more fuel for Josh's guilt complex was not a tempting   
one.  
  
Sam was tired and he was confused. The dream still lingered and all he could make   
out from it was that he had needed Josh and he hadn't come.   
Sam looked up at Toby with a puzzled expression. "I want to sleep now...why can't   
you tell him that..."   
  
"Okay...okay...of course I'll tell him." Sam was becoming agitated and that was the   
last thing Toby wanted. Josh wasn't Toby's problem he would have to accept that   
Sam was tired that was all there was to it. But as Toby packed his work away and   
looked at Sam he couldn't quite avoid the feeling that there was more to this than   
tiredness.  
  
Josh sat at his desk. He had walked into his office without greeting anyone and shut   
the door behind him. Donna waited a few moments and then knocked on the door.   
"You're in early. Didn't you go see Sam?"  
  
"He was tired...he didn't want to see...anyone."  
  
"Oh." Donna stood and watched Josh flicking through the pages of a telephone   
directory. "What you looking for?"  
  
"A rug shop...I can't remember the name it was on Vermont Avenue...P and J Rugs   
or something- it had initials...flooring! That was it something and something   
flooring."  
  
"C and C."  
  
"No it was..."  
  
"Josh it's C and C- C and C flooring."  
  
"Right...find the number and then phone them and ask...no wait I'll phone. When do   
rug shops open?"  
  
"It depends...is it a religious holiday for rug owners today?"  
  
"Donna!"  
  
"They're regular shops Josh do you think there are special rug shop hours?"  
  
Josh picked up the directory, walked to Donna's desk and put it down. "Don't come   
into my office again today. You can phone or email me but I'm drawing a boundary   
between here and my office. Josh walked away from Donna and over to the coffee   
machine. Finally he was able to do something for Sam. It wasn't much- just a new rug   
but for Josh it staved off the feeling of helplessness that had been eating at him for the   
past three days.  
  
Toby doodled over the bedside phone number he had for Sam. He had called three   
times since lunchtime there had been no reply the first two times and then a nurse had   
answered and told him that Sam was feeling too tired to talk. CJ poked her head round   
Toby's door.   
"Did you go this morning?"  
  
"Are you inquiring after my bowel movements or do you mean somewhere specific?"  
  
CJ smiled, "No Toby...urgh...no did you go and see Sam?"  
  
Toby put down his pencil and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Have you just tried to   
phone him?"  
  
"Yeah he's not answering. Then a nurse picked up and said he was..."  
  
"Tired...yeah." Toby interrupted.  
  
"Josh said he didn't want anyone to see him this morning."  
  
"Yeah." Toby leant on his desk and rested his chin on his hand. "Has Josh tried to   
phone him?" He asked.  
  
There was no need for CJ to answer for the anger of Josh's words that flew across the   
bullpen let them know that something had happened to alter his previously optimistic   
mood.  
"Put him on the phone now or I'll come over there and show you how important this   
is."  
  
"Toby sighed and stood. "Please don't let him be talking to one of the few people that   
we actually don't want to offend."   
When they reached Josh's office they found him pacing a furious expression on his   
face and one hand running wildly through his hair.  
"For God's...look it was called Orion it cost $149 and you said it was a brand new   
range. How can you have none left? It was only two months ago you must have other   
stores or a warehouse." The man's response did little to pacify Josh. "I don't want to   
see the latest range...it's got to be this one...it has to be exactly the same." Josh made   
his opinion of C and C Flooring clearly known as he disconnected the call. As he did   
so he finally noticed Toby and CJ watching him- CJ with amusement and Toby with   
concern.   
  
When CJ clocked the expressions of the two men she made a lame excuse and left.   
Toby entered the office and shut the door behind him.   
"Don't read too much into it. You were hell to visit for the first few days. Shock and   
trauma can cause depression you know that."  
  
"And you know that there's more to it than that." Toby started to reply but Josh cut   
him off.  
  
"Tell me what he said this morning. Was it 'I don't want to see anyone' or 'I don't   
want to see Josh'?"  
  
"He said he didn't want to see you. He didn't say 'I don't want to see Josh because   
I'll never forgive him for'...whatever it is you think he's not going to forgive you   
for."  
  
"Not coming sooner." Josh shouted at Toby, "He's not going to forgive me not   
coming to find him."  
  
"You keep saying that as if..."  
  
"No listen Toby." This time his voice was eerily quiet. "After I was...by the time you   
came and...found me...it could only have been five or six minutes tops." Toby   
nodded "Sam must have been there for at least an hour and a half- maybe more. Those   
five minutes seemed like hours...and I couldn't understand why no one was coming   
to help, so for you to say that I'm reading too much into this or that I don't know what   
Sam's thinking...well I think I do know." On those words Josh sat down he looked   
completely deflated.  
  
"So what are you going to do about it?"  
  
"I'm going to go see him whether he wants me to or not and I'm going to tell him that   
I know how he's feeling..."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"Why it will..."  
  
"You don't know...nobody does. Tell him how you're feeling, because I'd imagine   
that's what anyone recovering from a major trauma needs to hear! But don't go in   
there presuming to know what's going on in his head."   
Josh nodded. For the first time Toby wasn't ridiculing his fears about Sam. It should   
have made him feel better but it just made him feel a whole lot worse.  
  
Josh waited a whole day before visiting Sam. It nearly sent Donna mad but he   
managed it. CJ, Toby and many of the communication staffers visited but Josh didn't.   
CJ told him that Sam had seemed fine, apart from a temperature, but if that went   
down the doctors were talking about letting him go home in a couple of days. That   
evening the police had come and taken a statement and then Sam had not wanted to   
see anyone again. But then Ginger came and there were flowers and cuddly bears and   
she had stayed until she had made Sam promise not to make her come all that way   
only to be told 'no visitors' again. The President had sent a card and a message from   
him and the First Lady that provoked the first real smile that Sam had shown since the   
attack. Josh was told all of this and more by Sam's visitors. In the end they decided it   
was easier to go straight to Josh after the hospital rather than waiting for him to come   
and find them for the latest update. It was when Bonnie told him the entire contents of   
Sam's lunch and that she was phoning the hospital because she forgot to check the   
colour of the tray that Josh decided sarcasm really was the lowest form of wit.   
  
For the first time in days Josh had slept well comforted by the fact that Sam was on   
the mend. He had planned what he was going to say to Sam. He was going to explain   
exactly what had happened on the morning of the attack and explain how he had been   
feeling ever since. So on the morning of the sixth day of Sam's hospitalisation Josh   
made his way along the corridor to his room. He was surprised to see one then two   
nurses bustling around his bed.   
"Is it worse than earlier or about the same?" one of them asked as she recorded the   
temperature reading on the chart.   
  
"Worse." Sam replied. Josh thought he looked pale and a little unfocused. He entered   
the room and nodded to the nurses.  
  
"Do you still feel nauseous?"   
  
"Yeah and hot...really hot again."   
  
"What's going on?" Josh walked over to the bed as Sam noticed him for the first time.  
  
"Well we've had quite a night haven't we Sam?"  
  
"Yeah." Sam managed a smile and to Josh's great relief turned and gave him one also.  
  
"I think Sam's got an infection. The doctor will be over soon to have a look." The   
nurse glanced at Josh's puzzled face and continued, "He was ill in the night with a   
fever, some pain and vomiting. The fever was quite high and we had a few   
hallucinations...well I hope they were hallucinations or there's some pretty weird   
stuff going on in the White House!"  
  
Josh smiled at the nurse's attempt at levity and sat down by the bed. One of the nurses   
took Sam's hand and said, "Your fever's down a little honey. I'm going to get the   
doctor." Both nurses left the room leaving the two men alone.  
  
"Well this sucks." Josh sighed.  
  
"Yeah...I was feeling okay but it started yesterday...after CJ had left."  
  
"Yeah she has that effect on me too," Josh dead panned "They'll just give you   
antibiotics or something. You'll be home soon."  
  
"I'm not going to go..." Sam stopped talking and moaned. Josh jumped out of his   
seat.  
  
"What is it...what's wrong?"  
  
"I feel...I'm gonna..." Josh realised what Sam was trying to articulate and grabbed   
the paper bowl the nurse had left on the table. He did so just in time. Sam bent   
forward and Josh placed one hand on his back as he vomited the water and drugs that   
he had been given during the night. Josh stayed in that position whilst Sam coped with   
the heaves that were causing him pain and the pain that was making him draw   
shuddering breaths. The sudden noise caused both men to jump.  
  
"Jesus...could Margaret have ordered a bigger bunch? I told her...send them to the   
room...but no she seems to think there's this whole 'flower theft' thing going on so   
here I am...struggling like an idiot." The large bunch of flowers that had just entered   
the room were lowered to reveal Leo whose voice trailed off as he took in the scene   
before him. Josh removed the bowl as Sam lay back and closed his eyes.   
  
"He's got an infection the doctor's coming to see him soon. I'm gonna go get the   
nurse." Josh rushed past Leo and left him standing awkwardly at the end of the bed.  
  
"Well I sure picked my moment to visit." Sam opened his eyes long enough to flash   
Leo an apologetic smile. Josh returned not with a nurse but a doctor. He shook Leo's   
hand and then immediately set about examining Sam's wound.   
Leo told Josh he was going to head off.   
  
"I'll come back when Sam isn't being examined or puking." As he headed for the   
door he turned to see if he could catch Sam's eye but he was too busy trying not to   
wince as the doctor continued to examine the wound. Josh followed Leo outside.  
  
"I want to stay. Donna can bring my work over and I can make phone calls from   
here."  
  
"Josh you can't do anything...they're just going to give him antibiotics or..."  
  
"No the doctor thinks he's going to need another op to clean the wound. He's waiting   
on some blood tests but he said the wound wasn't healing well." Leo looked at Josh   
and knew immediately there was no point in saying no even if he wanted to.  
  
"Make sure I can reach you because you won't be able to have your phone on in   
here."  
  
"Yeah...thanks Leo" Josh turned and walked back to Sam's room.  
  
The two men sat and waited until it was time for Sam's operation. When Sam slept   
Josh worked and when he was awake they talked. Josh didn't say any of the things he   
had planned to say- instead he told him about how he had searched every store in   
Washington for the rug and then found one in five minutes on usa-rugs.com. He told   
Sam about his apartment and how he'd had the window fixed and that the police were   
finally finished. Sam listened, his expression blank, as Josh explained that he didn't   
think they held out much hope of catching his attacker. In order to change the subject,   
Josh read the messages in Sam's cards occasionally asking about the people whose   
names he didn't recognise. He recognised the name in the largest of the cards though.  
'...Abbey told me a great deal of medical advice to relate to you but I will simply   
finish with this Sam, 'Time is the great physician'. Take your time getting well again   
but come back to us soon. Jed and Abbey Bartlet.' That's nice." Josh said.  
  
"Yeah...it's been bugging me though...I can't remember what the quote is from."  
They continued to talk, both men careful not to stray too close to topics concerning   
the attack or its aftermath, until it was time for Sam to go to theatre. Josh hurriedly   
packed his things which he had spread over Sam's bed.  
  
"You going to the office now?" Sam asked.  
  
"Yeah...I'll come back later."  
  
"There's no point I'll be out of it. Go home."  
Josh nodded and just had time to squeeze Sam's shoulder before his bed was wheeled   
out of the room and out of sight.  
  
Josh kept his gaze downwards as he walked through the bullpen and back to his   
office. He threw his backpack on his desk and himself into his chair."  
"You should go home." CJ appeared at his doorway.   
  
"I'm fine thanks CJ."  
  
"Really Josh...Sam's going to be in for longer now which means you're going to be   
burning the candle at both..."  
  
"Yeah let's worry about me CJ. Sam's been stabbed and left with a wound that isn't   
healing but let's worry about Josh not having enough sleep."  
  
"Women can multi-worry."  
  
"Multi-worry what the hell is that?" Josh sounded annoyed but a smile was beginning   
to play on his lips.  
  
"It means we are capable of worrying about more than one person at a time without   
having to compartmentalize the amount of worry we feel for each person."  
  
"Please tell me you made that up."  
  
CJ smirked, "Go home Josh."  
  
"Yeah." He stood up and as his desk spun ninety degrees in front of his eyes decided   
that maybe CJ was right about going home after all.   
  
Sam woke to the sound of tapping but he couldn't make out what the sound was. He   
felt groggy and couldn't focus on the dark shape that was sat by his bed. The tapping   
continued, it was quite a soothing sound and Sam kept his eyes closed as he lay   
listening to it. Suddenly he realised what the sound was; it was Toby working on his   
laptop. In his dozy state he thought he was back in Toby's office and he opened his   
eyes desperately trying not to let him see he had fallen asleep.  
"I'm just thinking." Sam mumbled figuring that would explain why his eyes were   
closed.  
  
"How are you feeling?"   
The concern in Toby's voice brought him back to reality with a sudden jolt. Concern   
was the last thing he had expected to hear in his boss's voice.  
Sam stared at Toby as the past few days slowly came back into focus.   
  
"Feel ok."  
  
"The doctor came by he said the op went really well but you won't be going home for   
a while Sam."   
  
"Good." Sam eyes were closed now and he was drifting off to sleep again.  
  
Toby smiled at his response. "Good it went well or good you won't be going home?"  
  
He stopped smiling at Sam's answer. "Good not go home...don't want..."   
Toby frowned, Josh had mentioned that he thought Sam was going to say he didn't   
want to go home before he had started to be sick the other morning and now Toby had   
heard it for himself. If Sam was worried about going back to his apartment and not   
telling them then what else was going through his mind that he wasn't sharing. Toby   
toyed with the idea of waking him up and asking him some questions, in his current   
state Sam might admit to more than he would when fully conscious but he realised   
that would not be fair and besides Sam would only deny it when he came round   
properly. Toby sighed and went to tell the nurse that he was awake, as he walked   
down the corridor he tried to think of a way that they could get Sam talking about the   
attack and its aftermath. Toby had always dismissed Josh's paranoia and convinced   
himself that Sam would have remembered very little about the two hours he was lying   
on the floor but what if Josh was right? Toby started going over the events of that   
morning in his head; should he have realised sooner that something was wrong? He   
stopped at the nurses' station and noticed the mess on the desk behind the counter. He   
hoped to God that Sam didn't remember anything because how would he explain to   
him that he wasn't worried about where he was because he was too busy worrying   
about who had left a mess on his desk.  
As he walked out of the hospital he immediately dialled a number on his cell phone.   
"Josh it's Toby...we need to talk." 


	4. Killing Time 4

KILLING TIME  
  
Chapter Four  
  
Josh splashed some water on his face and set about getting his apartment ready   
for his evening visitor. He started making some coffee and began a half hearted   
attempt at tidying. He had spent even less time at home than usual lately and it   
showed. He removed the stack of unread mail and discarded clothes from the   
sofa and made sure Toby at least had somewhere to sit when he arrived. The   
sound of the door buzzer startled Josh and he threw the pile of newspapers he   
was carrying into the closet on his way to answer it.   
Toby nodded as he walked past him. "I've been at the hospital. Sam woke up   
just before I left."  
  
"You've been there since you left work?" Josh asked walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Yeah I find I can get a lot of work done there."  
Toby's statement was followed by silence. He sat on a chair facing the sofa as   
Josh came in with the coffee.  
  
"This ok or did you want something stronger?"   
  
"Coffee's fine. I just needed to ask you if...well tell you that."  
Josh concentrated on sipping his coffee. Toby's hesitance made both men   
uncomfortable.  
  
"I think you're right about Sam. He told the police that he remembered hearing   
a noise and you arriving but nothing about the time in between. I think he   
remembers more than he's let on."  
Josh waited he knew there was more.  
  
"I may have been a little...unreceptive to your concerns about Sam. I found   
it...difficult listening to you verbalising how I felt about what happened to you   
last Christmas."  
  
"You felt guilty about me getting shot?" Josh didn't mean to let it but his voice   
displayed his bewilderment about Toby's comment.  
  
"No of course not, no...I felt guilty for not noticing what was happening to you   
afterwards."  
  
Josh put his cup down and stood up. "Wow that's...I mean wow."  
  
Toby sighed, "And now you're going to belittle my attempts at talking about   
my..." Toby was waving his hand in the air hoping Josh would catch the word   
and say it for him.  
"Emotions Toby, talking about your emotions."   
  
"Yes emotions...this is something I find..." he cleared his throat and his voice   
rose, "...difficult but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel and I   
think you're right." Toby sat back and his shoulders relaxed letting go of the   
tension that had been building since he had phoned Josh.   
  
Josh waited until the older man looked up at him before replying.   
"I'm sensing you'd like this conversation to finish as soon as possible so I'll be   
brief."  
  
"Good."  
  
"I don't like to talk about my..."  
  
This time Toby filled in the blank mimicking the tone Josh had used.   
  
"Breakdown, Josh, talking about your breakdown."  
  
"The reason I don't talk about it is that I know that everyone felt like that and   
that made me feel guilty. It happened because I made damn sure no one would   
notice. If I'd let you notice it wouldn't have happened because you'd have   
noticed."  
  
"Very eloquently put."  
  
"Praise indeed from a man who can't say the word 'emotion'."  
  
Josh sat back down facing Toby, "You don't feel guilty anymore?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But you think I should about Sam?"  
  
"I think we should just try to forget what we were doing while Sam was   
bleeding to...lying there wondering where his friends were." Josh hid his   
surprise at Toby's use of the word 'we'.   
  
"We weren't there and that wasn't because we didn't care. I've been going over   
that morning ever since I phoned you and you just end up with a big pile of   
'ifs'. If we'd paged Sam instead of phoning first we would have known straight   
away something was wrong. If you hadn't have been so worried about finding   
that stupid stapler or I hadn't been so obsessed about my desk we would have   
stopped to realise that it wasn't like Sam not to answer his cell phone."  
"I hear what you're saying and I can totally agree with the logic of it but I don't   
think how I feel about this is going to change overnight. But you haven't come   
here to talk about my guilt have you."  
  
"No, as much as the topic fascinates me, no I haven't." Josh picked up the cups   
and smiled at Toby.   
  
"I'll get some more coffee."  
  
The two men sat and talked until late into the night. Often they covered their   
true feelings with the banter that was so effective at hiding them. But both men   
knew the meaning of the words they spoke to each other and by the time the   
fourth cups of coffee were being poured down the sink they had managed to   
purge many of their own demons and come up with a plan to help Sam purge   
his own.   
  
Five days had passed since Sam's second operation. The doctors were pleased   
with the way the wound was healing and told him that he would probably be   
able to go home in a few days. His parents had visited every day, his mother   
came in the morning and his father in the evening. Last night his father had told   
Sam that he would be going home tomorrow. His mother had told him she   
would also be going home soon. If Sam had managed to convince anyone he   
was on the mend it was his parents. On the afternoon of the fifth day Josh and   
Donna walked into Sam's room to find him on the phone. Sam gestured for   
them to come and sit down.  
  
"Very well sir." He spoke into the phone.  
Josh mouthed 'the President' and Sam nodded.  
  
"I did and that quote was it..." Sam smiled and shook his head,   
  
"Endymion...of course."  
  
Josh and Donna waited while Sam finished his call and then Donna took the   
receiver from him and sat down on his bed. Josh listened as she told Sam the   
latest office gossip which Sam pretended to be interested in. Josh tucked his   
hands behind his head and closed his eyes. Things were going well he thought.   
Since the operation Sam had seemed a lot happier. He was going home in a   
couple of days and the first part of the plan was going well. Although this was   
not surprising as the first part of the plan was to not do anything until Sam was   
home. Josh wasn't paying much attention to what Donna was talking about   
until he heard Sam ask, "What stapler?"  
"Oh no Sam you can't deny responsibility just because you're in hospital. Josh   
was going to blame me you know."   
Donna continued to tease Sam about pretending to forget his part in the theft of   
Toby's stapler and then proceeded to tell him the whole story to refresh his   
memory. Sam tried to concentrate on her story but he had begun to feel anxious   
since Donna had first mentioned the stapler. He couldn't understand why and   
as he tried to make sense of it Donna's voice was drowned out by Ginger's,  
  
"Sam...it's Ginger. You better get in here Toby is not happy..."  
Sam tried to sit up a little and collect his thoughts he could feel his heart   
thumping against his chest.   
  
"...so get a move on! Oh...and I think he knows about the stapler."  
Sam's breathing was becoming faster. He suddenly felt afraid but didn't know   
what of.   
  
"Sam...buddy...I think you better head in." Now Josh's voice was filling his   
thoughts.  
Josh could hear Sam's breathing and opened his eyes. Donna was chatting   
away oblivious to Sam who was now ashen faced and breathing hard.  
  
"Come and hide in my office when you get in. And another thing...I think he   
knows about the stapler."  
  
"Josh." Sam muttered. Josh stood up and went closer to Sam.  
  
"It's alright Sam." Donna, who had gone almost as pale as Sam, stopped   
talking.   
Unfortunately Josh's words just sent Sam deeper into his memories.  
"It's alright Sam I'm here...I'm here Sam."  
  
Sam couldn't shake the fear that now clutched him. Josh told Donna to get a   
nurse but she stayed frozen staring at Sam.  
  
"Donna!" Josh shouted and she raced out of the room. Josh held Sam's head in   
his hands and tried to break through to him. He told him where he was and that   
he had to calm down. He forced Sam to look at him and continued to talk to   
him until slowly Sam came back to the present and the fear and panic began to   
leave him.   
Josh didn't need to ask what had happened he'd had enough experiences of   
flashbacks to recognise when someone else was having one. He knew too the   
cause of it; Donna talking about the stapler had brought back the answer phone   
messages that Sam would have heard playing. Before he could say anything the   
nurse came hurrying into the room.  
"I think you'd better leave."  
  
"I need to talk to him."   
  
"I think you've done enough talking." She started to help Sam lie down and   
placed her fingers on his neck to take his pulse.  
"He needs to rest." She looked up at Josh who stood with his arms folded and   
was clearly determined to go nowhere.  
  
"Look you've obviously upset him it's best you go now and come back later."  
  
"I need to stay, I haven't upset him." Josh's voice was getting louder.  
  
"Well by the looks of things you haven't been reading him bedside stories   
either."   
  
The nurse's sarcasm only served to infuriate Josh further he was about to   
answer when Sam spoke, "God, Josh, just leave me alone."  
  
At his words Josh could only stare at Sam who closed his eyes in response. He   
felt Donna tug on his elbow.  
  
"Josh...please." Donna's face was pleading with him to follow her out of the   
room. Josh picked up his coat and let Donna pull him away from the bed. She   
held on until they were outside of the hospital and back in the car. They drove   
all the way back to the White House in silence.  
Sam finished what he could manage of the meal and pushed the bedside table   
away. He had tried not to think about what had happened with Donna and Josh   
but ever since then he had found more and more memories had returned until   
now he realised he could remember nearly the whole sequence of events. The   
only thing he could not recall was the actual stabbing. He had been told by the   
counsellor who had visited him twice that he may never remember it or he may   
find that eventually that too would come back to him. Sam sighed and breathed   
in deeply as he ran his fingers through his hair. He had also come to realise   
over the past few days that he was dreading going back to his apartment. He   
knew Josh and Donna had meticulously removed any trace of the attack but the   
thought of being there again made his stomach flip. The doctor visited less   
often now and Sam had made good use of his last visit. He had questioned him   
about how long he thought he had been bleeding before the paramedics came   
and how long it would have been before he died. The doctor was non-   
committal in his responses. The loss of blood, stage of shock that he had been   
in and the damage caused to both lungs had led the doctor to believe that he   
could have been injured for anything up to two hours. But he did not know for   
sure and there was something about the desperate way that Sam was asking that   
made him even more guarded about the responses he gave.  
  
Donna and Josh had hardly spoken to each other since the incident in Sam's   
room. Donna felt awful that she hadn't realised how Sam was reacting to her   
words and Josh was glad to be able to place his feelings of guilt on someone   
else for a while, even it was unjustified. Josh picked up the phone and dialled a   
number just as the ringing tone began he placed the receiver down. He had   
tried to phone Sam three times already this morning and each time he had   
ended the call before it had begun. Although he had visited yesterday they had   
not spoken to each other about what had happened. When Josh tried to ask Sam   
about it he just replied that he had felt ill and just panicked a little. This was   
nonsense and both men knew it but Josh also knew that forcing Sam to talk   
would just make him shut him out even more.  
  
The night before Sam was due to go home Leo decided to attempt another visit.  
"You're not going to puke this time are you?" he asked as he poked his head   
around the door.  
  
"No." Sam smiled.  
  
Leo walked over to the side of his bed and put a couple of books on the table.  
"I know you're gonna be bored. I thought these might kill a few moments."  
  
"Thank you." Sam turned the books so he could read the spines and raised his   
eyebrows.  
  
Leo saw the look and explained. "I read about them in the Times review."  
Sam smiled and nodded and waited for Leo to explain the real reason for his   
visit.  
  
"Listen Sam it's great you're going home and we're all looking forward to you   
being back at work..."  
  
"But..."  
  
"There's no but here Sam...but..." Both men smiled.  
  
"I was talking to the President and he wants you to know that you're not to   
come back until you're ready."  
  
"I'm ready now Leo I feel a lot..."  
  
"No hear me out. By that he means you make sure you're ready physically but   
also mentally." Sam lay back against the pillows, he knew where this   
conversation was heading.  
"We know you're doing really well and that's great but no one knows, least of   
all you, how you're doing...in here." Leo pointed to his head.  
  
"Leo, look, I've spoken to people here...I don't remember much anyway. If the   
president wants me to see someone I will, of course, but believe me there's no   
point." Sam wasn't lying; it would be a waste of time. He had spent two   
excruciatingly embarrassing hours sitting in silence with the hospital's   
counsellor. She had used all of her skills to try to get Sam to open up but to no   
avail.   
  
"I'm sorry I've wasted your time." Sam had apologised as she was about to   
leave. "If you'd asked me about my father we probably could have had quite a   
chat." The woman had smiled at Sam and replied,   
"You haven't wasted my time. If you don't want to talk I can't make you. But   
remember what I said, it's likely you will want to sooner or later. Just make   
sure you know who you're going to go to when that happens."  
  
Leo stood up and put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "Well just try not to drift off   
into space like you just did next time you talk to the President!"  
  
"Did I? I'm sorry...I keep doing that." Sam gave Leo a sheepish smile.  
  
"Home tomorrow then?"  
  
"Yeah Josh is picking me up."  
  
"That's good Sam. You'll really feel like you've turned a corner when you get   
back in your own place."  
  
"Yeah," He quickly changed the subject. "So Margaret thinks someone's   
stealing flowers here?"  
  
"Can you believe it? The total tonnage of useless information I have to listen   
to..." Leo sat back down. Sam knew that this rant would continue for quite a   
while and certainly long enough for him to recover from the churning stomach   
the thought of going home had produced.  
  
Josh went into work extra early the next morning. Sam was being discharged at   
two o'clock and Josh had cancelled what couldn't be rescheduled so that he   
could spend most of the afternoon at Sam's apartment. Josh called for Donna.   
He had forgiven her for upsetting Sam and she had forgiven him for blaming   
her for it.   
"Donna!" Josh called again.  
  
"You should get going."  
  
"I'm going. How long have I got?"  
  
"You'll need to be back here for five."  
  
"Ok." Josh grabbed his coat.  
  
"Have you got the keys?"   
"I've got them."  
  
"Both of them?"  
  
"Yeah."  
Josh patted his pockets feeling for his car keys and headed out the door. Donna   
stood with her hand held towards the door for a few seconds before Josh dived   
back in and grabbed the keys to Sam's apartment from her.  
  
It had taken quite a while for Josh and Sam to get out of the hospital. Many of   
the nurses stopped to say goodbye and Sam seemed in no great hurry to leave   
so Josh didn't rush him. When he was in the car Josh handed him the keys to   
his apartment. He soon wished he hadn't for Sam spent the entire journey home   
juggling them from one hand to the other.   
  
"You don't need to come up." Sam said as Josh held the door open for him.  
  
"Sam!" Josh couldn't believe that Sam would expect Josh to just drop him off   
at the door.  
  
"I'm sorry Josh...of course come up...I don't know why I said that."  
  
"Well you wouldn't have stopped me anyway so..."  
They took the lift to Sam's floor and Josh walked behind him as they   
approached the front door. Suddenly Sam stopped walking and stood still. Josh   
said and did nothing, he just waited, after a while Sam continued walking. Josh   
stood with his back to the wall as Sam fumbled with his keys. He tried not to   
look at him but when he dropped them Josh bent down and handed them to   
him. As he put the keys in Sam's hand he noticed they were shaking. Sam tried   
again to put the keys in the lock but this time he stopped and still facing the   
door muttered, "I can't...I'm sorry...I can't go in." Before Josh could respond   
Sam was on his way to the elevator and headed back to the car.   
  
Josh put one hand over his ear to block the noise of the passing cars while he   
waited for Toby to answer the phone.  
"Well the first part of the plan isn't going well." Josh began  
  
"Oh God, what's going on?"  
  
"Well at the moment Sam's puking all over the sidewalk...did we plan for   
that?"  
  
"You've got to make him go in."  
  
"I'll tell you what, you come and make him go in."  
There was a pause while Toby waited for Josh to calm down.  
"If he doesn't go in there today he never will."  
  
"Yeah." Josh looked at Sam who was now sitting sideways out of the car   
wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeve.   
  
"We didn't plan for this." Josh said quietly.  
  
"No." Toby agreed quietly, "Make him go in Josh."  
Josh snapped the phone shut and walked over to Sam.  
  
"Okay here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go up, let myself in and   
make some coffee, then you're coming up after me."  
  
"I really don't think..."  
  
"If you don't do it now you never...look what would you do if you fell off your   
boat?"  
  
"I appreciate the sea-faring analogy you're about to make but if I fell off my   
boat and didn't get back on there's a good chance I would drown. If I don't go   
into my apartment the worst thing that could happen is I'd have to stay with   
you for a couple of days."  
  
Josh waited. The two men stared at each other until Sam looked away run his   
hand through his hair and said,  
"Okay let's try again."  
  
Josh smiled and let out the breath he had been holding. "Right...good...I'm   
going up then just...you know...take your time." Before Sam could change his   
mind Josh turned and walked away.  
  
Sam could smell the coffee before he entered his home. He put his hand on the   
doorframe and as good as pulled himself through the door. Josh kept himself   
busy in the kitchen. The first thing Sam noticed was the identical rug that Josh   
had replaced. He also noticed the answer machine flashing and suddenly found   
he was unable to move or take his eyes off the bright red light. He was still   
standing there when Josh came out with the coffee.  
Josh put the cups down and walked over to the machine and pulled the plug out   
of the wall.  
"Let's drink this in the kitchen." He said as he gently took Sam's elbow and led   
him out of the room. 


	5. killing time 5

KILLING TIME  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Sam sat at the kitchen table while Josh cleared away the coffee cups.   
"Thanks for the rug." Sam broke the silence.  
  
"No problem." Josh opened the freezer door. "Check this out."  
Sam walked towards Josh who was standing with the freezer door wide open.  
  
"I asked Donna to pop a few meals in here and look what she's done."  
The freezer was crammed full of food, ready meals, bread, milk and even some   
home cooked food.   
  
"Wow that's impressive." Josh said as he started to pull out and read a few   
random cartons. "She didn't do this for me. I just got two day's worth and the   
rest of the time I had to order in."  
  
Sam smiled, "No you didn't Josh." He shut the door and Josh felt the cool air   
rush over him. The two men stood in silence until Josh's pager bleeped. He   
noticed how Sam jumped at the sound.   
  
"It's Donna I'm due back. In fact I'm late." Sam nodded but made no move   
towards the door.  
  
"I better head off then." Josh walked into the living room and asked Sam a   
question. He spoke too quietly for Sam to hear and hoped it would force him   
out of the kitchen.   
  
"What did you say?"   
  
"I said are you going to go lie down?"  
  
"Oh...yeah. That's a good idea." Sam started walking towards his bedroom. As   
he reached the door he turned suddenly and asked, "See you later?"  
  
"Me and Toby are coming, it might be late though, do you want us to call first   
to..."  
  
"No!" Sam's sudden outburst surprised Josh. "I mean don't phone it doesn't   
matter how late it is."  
Sam watched Josh as he gathered his coat and keys. On his way out he reached   
down and plugged the answer phone back in. After he had left, Sam walked   
into the bathroom to look at the glass in the window. Josh had told him that he   
couldn't find the same pattern so his windows didn't match anymore. Sam   
stood for a while absently running his finger along the pattern in the glass. He   
walked back into the living room turned down the volume on the phone, let the   
messages play then deleted them. He unplugged the machine again, turned the   
ringer off and headed back to the kitchen. It was the only place in his apartment   
that held no memories. It was the only place he felt safe.   
  
"Tell me again what he said." Toby was sitting with his hand on head leaning   
on his desk.  
  
"He said he couldn't go in...he couldn't get the key in the lock he was   
shaking." Josh stood by the window, his hands on his hips, he was staring at   
Sam's desk.  
  
"And after?"  
  
"It was weird. He was quiet. I knew he didn't want to be there but it was the   
best thing to do right?" Josh turned to face Toby and met his stare. Before he   
could answer CJ appeared at the door.  
  
"Did he get my message?" Josh sighed he knew CJ had left an answer phone   
message for Sam welcoming him home. He hadn't told Toby that he had found   
Sam staring at the machine and had turned it off. But that was because he   
hadn't told him what had happened with Donna at the hospital. He didn't like   
to think of Sam listening to those messages.  
  
"I think he listened to it after I'd gone." Josh hoped he was right. He had   
plugged the machine back in and he was sure that's what Sam would have   
done.   
  
Josh made his excuses and left. CJ walked further into the office.  
  
"So what's the secret?" she asked and wasn't deterred by Toby's puzzled   
expression. "You and Josh and the huddling."  
  
"Excuse me huddling?" Toby was playing the innocent.  
  
"Yeah it's what people with secrets do in corners."  
  
"There's no secret. Don't you have a briefing?" Toby could see CJ was not   
going anywhere. He sighed, stood up, gestured for her to close the door and   
began to tell her how Josh and he were going to be the sentinels of Sam's   
mental health.  
  
When Sam heard a knock at the door three hours after Josh had left, he was still   
sitting in the kitchen. He walked slowly to the door opened it and stepped aside   
as Toby and Josh entered.   
"Have you eaten?" Josh asked as he walked past Sam and into the kitchen.  
"No I..."  
  
"Did you get some sleep?" He called from behind the open freezer door.  
  
"No it was..."  
Josh closed the door and studied the younger man.  
  
"What have you done for the past three hours when you should have been   
resting?"  
  
"I just...I rested you know I just...the window looks good."  
Toby watched the two men as Josh allowed Sam to change the subject and   
began an animated description of the man who had replaced the glass in the   
bathroom. Josh prepared the meal while Sam sat at the kitchen table. When the   
meal was ready they ate at the table and only when Toby had finished making   
the coffee did the three men move into the living room again. It wasn't long   
before Sam fell asleep, coffee cup still in his hand. Toby and Josh watched   
television for a while and then discussed whether they should wake him now or   
later. Halfway through the debate Josh's attention was caught by the answer   
phone plug lying on the floor. Sam had also disconnected the lead from the   
back of the phone. While he was putting it back in, Josh discovered the ringer   
button had been turned off.   
"What's wrong?" Toby disrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Nothing, Sam must have forgotten to plug it back in." Josh lied as he switched   
the ringer back on. They decided to wash up, let Sam sleep for a while longer   
and then wake him.   
  
"Are you going to stay?" Toby asked as Josh put the last of the plates away.  
  
"I thought I would. Just tonight you know first night home."  
After they had woken Sam Toby left. Josh announced he was staying the night   
and Sam helped him make up the spare room. Half way through the night Josh   
lay awake wondering if staying had been the right thing to do. As dawn broke,   
and he helped Sam wake from his second nightmare, he was glad he had.  
  
Leo walked around to the front of his desk and stood with his hands in his   
pockets staring at Josh.  
"So he's doing good?"   
  
"Yeah he looks so much better now. He's bored stupid and can't wait to get   
back here."   
  
"It's a damn shame they didn't catch him. That would help him, knowing he   
was locked up."   
"I don't know, we haven't really talked about it." Josh looked at Leo the older   
man was studying him carefully.  
  
"Is he seeing someone?"  
  
"He told you he would and he has."   
  
"And..." Leo prompted.  
  
"And what Leo? You asked him to see someone and he did."  
  
"You know what I'm asking here. Is he fit to come back to work?"  
  
"I don't know I'm not a shrink. What, are you going to fire everyone who sees   
a psychiatrist?" Josh's voice was rising. "Do you report to the President after   
every AA meeting?"  
  
As soon as the words left his mouth Josh regretted them.  
"I'm sorry that was a crass thing to say."  
  
Leo nodded.  
"Yes it was. His job's safe Josh. We're just trying to make sure that we don't   
have a repeat of last Christmas."  
  
"You don't have to worry Leo, me and Toby are taking care of that."  
  
"Oh God! Why do I get the feeling that is going to result in all of us needing to   
see a counsellor?"  
  
"Who's going to see a counsellor?" Josh automatically stood as the President   
entered the room.   
  
"No one sir. We were just discussing when Sam will be coming back to work."   
He explained.  
  
Bartlet put down the paper he had been reading and peered over his glasses at   
Leo. "He's okay to come back?" Leo took the file Bartlet handed him.  
  
"I think so sir."  
  
The President and Josh left Leo's office. Bartlet was pleased to hear that Leo   
thought he was okay to come back. Leo was pleased that Josh had assured him   
Sam was fine. Josh was just hoping he was right. Sam just needed to get back   
to work he decided. 'Last Christmas' happened because he had been at home   
too long with too much time to think. Everything would be okay if Sam came   
back to work where he and Toby could keep an eye on him.  
  
Sam sat on the floor in front of the wardrobe. He had decided that tidying it out   
might help rid him of the nightmares. As he pulled the contents out he   
remembered back to the morning of the attack. He had been here then, looking   
for his sneakers. He remembered that and he remembered how he had heard a   
noise. The next thing he remembered was lying on the floor...waiting. He   
stood up and walked towards the rug in the living room wondering what had   
happened between his bedroom and the living room. He wished it would come   
back to him and then at least the fear of remembering would be gone. He went   
back to the bedroom and started rummaging through the piles of stuff that he   
had pulled from the wardrobe. A sudden noise stopped his actions. It was   
nothing but to Sam the fear that someone was in his home again was very real.   
He dropped what he was holding and stood up. His mind was racing and the   
rational part of his brain was quickly giving way to the fear that was beginning   
to invade his mind. He couldn't breathe, was shaking hard and felt dizzy. He   
walked over to the door and shut it tight, leaning against it he slowly sank   
down to the ground. He forced himself to concentrate on his breathing like the   
nurses had told him to after his nightmares in the hospital. This was the same,   
he thought, this was just panic. Slowly he gained control of his body and his   
emotions. He put his head on his knees and focused just on his breathing. He   
sat like that for a while until he felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket.   
"Yeah...hello."  
  
"It's Josh, why aren't you answering the phone?" Sam had switched the ringer   
off again after Josh had left earlier.   
  
"I was in the ...couldn't...hear it." Sam thought he sounded normal but there   
was still breathlessness to his voice that Josh picked up on.  
  
"What have you been doing? You sound out of breath."  
  
Sam clutched his hair in his fist and tried desperately not to scream 'I'm scared   
shitless Josh' instead he replied, "I've been cleaning...the wardrobe...I..." At   
the catch in Sam's voice Josh realised something was wrong. He stood up and   
reached over for his car keys.  
  
"What's wrong? I'm coming over...tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Nothing Josh it's nothing...I've just done too much probably. Don't come.   
You don't need to. I'm fine Josh, I'm fine."   
  
Josh sat back down. Sam was not fine. He could hear it in his voice and the   
garbled words. There was a long pause until Sam broke the silence and spoke   
more steadily.  
"Really I'm fine now. I'll see you later." Sam ended the call and left Josh   
feeling even worse than before. The sooner he came back to work the better,   
for one thing was becoming clear; Sam really wasn't 'fine' at all.  
  
Sam's desk had remained untouched since the day before the attack and Toby   
had decided it was time to straighten it out. He reached behind him and threw   
another pile of paper in to the waste bin as Josh came into the room and sat   
down opposite him. Neither man spoke for a while. Toby had moved onto   
sorting through the various bottles of pills and vitamins on the desk   
occasionally stopping to throw some away.   
"These went out of date months ago." He mumbled to himself.  
  
Josh continued to sit in silence as Toby stood and went into his own office. He   
returned after a short while with a few files which he placed on the desk.  
"What are those?"  
  
"Things I want Sam to work on nothing too demanding." Toby placed the files   
in an order known only to him.  
  
"Don't give him trivial stuff, he'll hate that." Josh absently flipped open the   
cover of one of the files.  
  
"It's not trivial, I just don't want him to be weighed down on his first day back,   
that's all." Toby stood up and nodded towards his office and Josh followed   
him, he waited for him to enter and then closed the door behind them.  
  
"I'm not going to see Sam tonight and I don't think you should either."  
  
"Okay, is this a new part of the plan because you really need to tell me if   
you're going to change it like that?" Josh sat down on the sofa.  
  
"I'm telling you now. Sam is home and we haven't got him to talk yet."  
  
"Yeah." Josh agreed.  
  
"We think he's not eating properly despite having enough food in his freezer to   
feed a platoon."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"We know he's not sleeping and we're pretty sure he's scared witless of being   
alone in his own apartment." Toby walked away from his desk and over to the   
window.  
  
"Yeah. You know when you put it like that it really sounds like our plan isn't   
working," Josh watched Toby turn away from the window and cross his arms.   
"So not going over tonight is a good idea because..."  
  
"Because it occurs to me that Sam hasn't spent an evening alone since he got   
home and I think that's what he needs to do. He's coming back to work on   
Monday and if we want things to return to normal then we need to stop   
spending so much time there."  
  
Josh rubbed his hand over his face. He was tired and he had to admit the   
thought of going home to his own bed was a tempting one. What Toby didn't   
know was that Josh had stayed a number of nights at Sam's after he had left.   
But then again the list of things Toby didn't know was increasing by the day,   
not least of all Sam's panicked phone call to Josh earlier on. "I think you're   
right but I don't think today's the day to start." At Toby's puzzled expression   
Josh took a deep breath and explained what had happened on the phone earlier   
and later that night he went through the pretence of putting on his coat as Toby   
left only to take it off again as Sam shut and bolted the door.   
Sam listened to the raised voices of Josh and Toby. He was going back to work   
tomorrow and the two men had been filling him in on what had been happening   
while he had been away, until they had started arguing about what had been   
happening.   
"That wasn't why you held the meeting Josh."  
  
Wait I..." Josh began  
  
"That wasn't why you held the meeting. This isn't an opportunity for you to re-  
invent the week...you held the meeting because you messed up the phone call."   
Sam smiled as he listened to Toby's exasperated voice increase in volume on   
the last few words. He had spent the day with his mother which meant he had   
been away from the apartment for most of it. Last night was the first night he   
had spent alone and he was secretly celebrating today that he had got through it   
and even managed to sleep for a few hours. He continued to listen to the heated   
exchange which Josh was still losing while he prepared sandwiches and coffee.   
  
"Okay, first, you weren't there and second, how do you know I didn't mess up   
the call on purpose?" Josh now stood with his hands on his hips facing Toby.  
  
Toby held his head in his hands and groaned, "You're standing there telling me   
you planned it all now and you want a reason why I know you didn't?  
  
As Josh nodded the phone started to ring.  
  
"Can someone get that?" Sam called from the kitchen. Toby started to rise but   
Josh stopped him.  
  
"Oh no, you don't get out of it that easily." Toby sat back down and looked up   
at Josh who still stood, hands on hips, waiting for his reply.  
  
"Can someone please answer the phone?" Sam called again. If the two men   
hadn't been so focused on their debate they would have noticed the strain in his   
voice.  
  
"You're not that bright that's one reason and another one is you hadn't read   
Leo's notes before you made the call which is why..." Toby started shouting   
again, "you messed up the call in the first place." Josh was just trying to come   
up with a suitable face-saving response when both men jumped at the sound of   
the kitchen door slamming open.  
  
"God, can someone just stop this damn phone." As he spoke Sam strode   
towards the phone and swiped at the receiver. He sent it flying into the air and   
crashing against the wall, on its way down it knocked a picture to the floor   
shattering the glass.   
  
The silence that followed was just as shattering. Sam stood one hand on the   
wall the other running through his hair he was breathing hard and his eyes were   
tightly closed. Toby and Josh stood staring at him stunned by his sudden   
outburst. Toby gestured for Josh to go to Sam as he replaced the receiver and   
started to clear up the glass. Josh walked slowly, he didn't want to startle him.   
"Sam." There was no response, "Sam!" Josh called more loudly. He stood by   
his side and put his hand on Sam's shoulder which made him jump but at least   
look at Josh.  
  
"It won't go away." Sam whispered.  
  
"What?" Josh gently pulled him onto the sofa.  
  
"The fear it keeps...I can't...it won't stop." Sam was shaking now and his   
breathing was becoming harsher.   
  
Josh crouched down beside him. "You have to calm down Sam or you're going   
to hyperventilate or have a panic attack or something..." Josh trailed off as he   
realised that that was exactly what was happening.   
  
"Okay Sam just breath slowly in and out...in and out...that's it...you're fine."  
He put his hand on Sam's back and tried to coax him out of his panic. Toby   
finished clearing away the mess and listened to the sounds of Sam's gasps   
slowly returning to deep breaths and then a more relaxed pattern of breathing.   
Sam's eyes lost the look of terror at not being able to catch his breath and his   
gaze rested on his clasped hands as Josh slowly stood and fetched a glass of   
water. When he returned he found Toby had taken his position by Sam's side   
and was quietly talking to him. He stood, took the glass from Josh and followed   
Sam into his bedroom.   
  
When Toby emerged he found Josh fiddling with the phone.  
"I should have told you about this. I think Sam has been turning the ringer off   
and I know he hasn't been using the answer phone." Josh admitted.  
  
"He just told me. He said he'd had such a good day with his mother that he   
forgot about his 'phone phobia'. That was the first time he'd heard it ring. He   
started to tell me about hearing it and the answer phone messages when he was   
attacked, but I stopped him." Toby collapsed onto the sofa.  
  
"I thought we were meant to get him talking about it?"  
  
"Not like this. But this is good it's a...breakthrough. He's admitted that he's   
frightened so that's got to be a good thing."  
  
"So what do we do now?"  
  
Toby picked up the remote and put his feet up on the sofa. "Honest to God   
Josh, I haven't the first idea. Let's see how he gets on at work. Let's just wait   
and see." 


	6. killing time 6

Chapter Six  
  
Sam walked slowly down the corridor towards his office. It was early and the   
cleaners were still finishing their work. He opened the door and walked over to   
his desk. Some messages were neatly stacked on top of a pile of files. He hung   
up his coat, sat down, reached over and opened the top file. It was a job that   
any of the communication staffers could have done and he knew it would be   
before he had opened it. He didn't mind, in actual fact he was glad. He couldn't   
seem to concentrate on anything for too long and he secretly feared that his   
writing would not be up to standard. He knew Toby and Leo were being very   
understanding and patient but he also knew that he could not rely on that for   
too long. He was also beginning to feel tired of everyone's concern. He was   
grateful to Toby and Josh but he also sensed that part of the time they were   
acting out of guilt. The worse thing was that lately he had started to think more   
and more about how long it had taken Josh to find him. Sam sighed, closed his   
eyes and leant back in his chair. It would pass, he told himself, just like the   
nightmares and the panic attacks and the fear. It would all pass eventually.   
"It's good to see you Sam."  
  
Sam jumped up as he opened his eyes to see the President standing in front of   
his desk.  
"It's good to be back sir." Sam shook the offered hand and found his grasped   
by both of Bartlet's.  
  
"I had a feeling you would come back to work before my wife thought you   
should. Has Toby left you some work that would insult an intern?"  
  
Sam laughed, "Yes sir, I think he's easing me back in."  
  
"Well let him Sam. Take your time and accept the help that's offered."  
Sam told him that he would as his hand was grasped by the President once   
more.  
Ginger poked her head round the door and disturbed Sam from his note-taking   
"Leo wants you to see him before staff."   
  
"Okay thanks." Sam mumbled in response. He hated to admit it but some of the   
files were actually quite interesting. He worked for a little while longer and   
then left for staff five minutes early.   
  
"Hey Sam, come in, sit down. I just wanted to see you before everyone else got   
here." Leo motioned to Sam to sit, signed a few documents that Margaret was   
waiting for and then came and sat down next to him.  
  
"So how are you? Mrs Bartlet thinks you've come back too soon"  
  
"I'm good." Sam sensed Leo wanted more information so he continued, "The   
Doctors are really pleased with the wound. I feel fine, a bit tired I suppose at   
times, but apart from that..."  
Silence followed and Sam looked away as he became uncomfortable with   
Leo's stare.  
  
"Josh told me you saw someone at the hospital."  
  
Sam suddenly remembered Leo's request the day he had visited him and   
realised that it wasn't Sam's physical health he was asking about but his mental   
health. Leo was surprised to notice a look of anger flash across Sam's face and   
waited for him to reply.  
  
"I saw someone Leo. I told you I would and I did. I saw someone twice at the   
hospital and once afterwards."  
  
"Hey calm down. This isn't a cross examination. I'm just…we're just   
concerned. We want to make sure that everything is okay- that's all we're   
doing here."   
  
There was another uncomfortable silence in which Leo continued to study Sam   
whilst he studiously looked at anything apart from Leo.  
  
"Are you planning on seeing someone again?"  
  
"Why?" Sam stood up "Why?" His voice increased in volume as he started to   
pace. "Why do you think that if I keep talking about it everything is suddenly   
going to get better?"  
  
"You're an intelligent man Sam, you know that talking about it can help." Leo   
stood up too and walked over to him. "You know, last Christmas…"  
  
"Please Leo don't…just don't start another comparison between this and what   
happened to Josh. There is going to be no sudden revelation. I know I was   
stabbed, I know I could have died and I know I was frightened and I'm dealing   
with it." Sam spoke in a calm, low voice and managed to hide his emotions   
from Leo that were threatening to overcome him. He sat down again and was   
relieved when Leo said nothing but sat down next to him.   
  
"Just tell me this; if you find you need help do you know where to get it. I   
don't mean us, I mean professional help."  
  
Sam looked up and held Leo's stare. "Yes and if I need help I will but I don't at   
the moment. I just need to be here working…getting back to normal."  
Sam wasn't lying. He believed that he was doing as well as could be expected.   
He was finishing the antibiotics today, he was sleeping better and the   
nightmares were becoming less frequent.   
  
"Everyone copes in different ways. You can't keep comparing my…recovery   
to Josh's is all I'm saying."  
  
"Okay then that's all I'm going to say on the subject. You know to get help if   
you need it. That's good enough for me." Leo was lying he didn't believe Sam   
was okay. In fact after this conversation he was convinced he wasn't but there   
was nothing he could about it. He couldn't force Sam to get help and nothing   
had happened that would make him even start thinking about giving him an   
ultimatum about getting help or working in the White House. Leo sat behind   
his desk and watched the senior staff enter the room. He noticed a series of   
looks between Josh and Toby and wondered what they knew that they weren't   
telling him. He looked at Sam, still red-faced from his outburst, avoiding his   
friends' eyes and diligently fiddling with his tie and wondered what he wasn't   
telling them.   
  
After the meeting Josh caught up with Sam who had bolted out of the room as   
soon as it was over.  
  
"How's it going?" He asked breathlessly finally catching up with him at the   
door to his office.  
  
"Oh okay. A bit tired but it's good to be back." Sam sat down and opened one   
of the files. He really didn't want to talk to Josh now. He knew he would want   
to know what Leo had said and he didn't want to have to go through another   
discussion about his current state of mind.  
  
Josh glanced at Toby through the window and purposefully walked out of his   
view. "What did Leo want?"  
  
Sam closed the file and turned his chair to face Josh. "Welcome back, don't   
work too hard you know, what you'd expect…but genuine…I don't mean he   
was just saying it, though who would blame if he was because it must have   
been hard having Toby covering for me and I know you haven't been here   
much during the past few weeks not that I don't appreciate it because I do but   
you know there's some pretty important things that we should be doing not in   
these files maybe but other stuff, you know you have stuff and Leo was just   
saying that really…you know…welcome back." Sam took a breath.  
  
"Wow…well your lungs are obviously back to full capacity." Josh shook his   
head and smiled. "I'm going to go talk to some people who won't rant at me   
now."  
  
"Okay." Sam put his glasses on and returned to his work.   
  
Sam worked solidly through the rest of the morning. Four people offered to get   
him lunch and after he had come back from the mess five more came to check   
that he'd eaten something. During the afternoon though Sam found he was left   
alone and he made the most of solitude. Toby came and peered through the   
dividing window a couple of times and although Sam was grateful for his   
boss's concern he made a point of not looking up but just carrying on   
ploughing through the files which he had almost finished.   
  
He was still working when Donna came in with a cup of coffee.  
"I didn't get to see you earlier so I bought you this."  
  
"You made me a drink." Sam smiled then frowned and looked at Donna with a   
confused expression. "You never make drinks."  
  
"Well it's a special 'first day back' drink. It's the same as my 'you might get   
fired today' drink but with less sugar." Sam grinned at Donna and reached to   
take the cup from her. He did so at exactly the same time as she started to put it   
down which resulted in some of it spilling over his hand.  
"And this is why I don't make drinks for people." Donna explained as she   
helped Sam hunt for a tissue. Sam grinned at her as he held his arm downwards   
to let the liquid drip onto the floor.   
  
"I had some tissues in here somewhere. I think Toby tidied my desk whilst I   
was away and I…" Sam stopped in mid sentence his attention had been caught   
by something in the drawer but Donna couldn't see what it was.  
  
"Sam, have you found them?" He quickly shut the drawer, sat up and shook his   
arm.  
  
"It's alright, it was only a little bit, it's dry now." He took a sip of the coffee,   
"Will I be getting a 'second day back' drink tomorrow?"  
  
"It depends. I'm unpredictable." Donna deadpanned.   
  
When she had left Sam closed the door behind her and returned to his desk. He   
pulled open the drawer, reached down and took out Toby's stapler. He'd pieced   
together Ginger and Josh's answer phone messages after his panic attack in the   
hospital. He remembered stealing the stapler for Josh and asking him to make   
sure it was put back on Toby's desk. He knew that for some of the time he had   
been lying there bleeding Josh had been panicking about the stapler. He also   
knew that it was totally irrational for him to think that Josh hadn't come   
because of it. But there was still a part of him that couldn't understand why   
Josh hadn't come and the thoughts he had had when his mind had been clouded   
with fear where the thoughts that stayed with him now, irrational or not. He put   
the stapler to the back of the bottom drawer, pushed the other items over it and   
went back to work.  
  
By five thirty he was finished and he walked into Toby's office and dumped   
the files on his desk. "Give me some proper work tomorrow."  
  
"You've done them all haven't you?"  
Sam nodded.  
  
"They were meant to last a couple of days Sam. Couldn't you have strung them   
out a bit?"  
  
"I appreciate what you're trying to do but I just spent two weeks in hospital and   
believe me, I know it's an idiom, but I'm beginning to think it could actually be   
possible to 'die of boredom'."   
  
Toby lifted the files off the papers that they had landed on and handed Sam a   
notepad full of jottings. "Take that home and have a look tonight we'll work on   
it tomorrow."  
  
Smiling, Sam took the pad from Toby and turned to leave.  
"You going home now?" Toby asked as he reached the door.  
  
"Yeah you didn't need me did you?" Sam looked better than he had for days   
but he looked tired too and Toby was pleased his deputy was not trying to   
prove anything by staying late.  
  
"No you head off…you did good today." Sam smiled he knew Toby wasn't   
talking about the files.  
Sam took the elevator to his apartment he usually took the stairs to compensate   
for not getting enough exercise but today he was too tired to even think about   
it. He pulled one of the double doors open and collided into the person who   
was coming through the other side. Both men took a few seconds to compose   
themselves and then the man took a step to the left at the same time as Sam, he   
then took a step to the right as Sam did. He started to chuckle, "Shall we   
dance?"   
  
Sam didn't answer he had turned deathly pale and was shaking.  
"I'm sorry…are you alright?"   
  
When he got no response he lifted his arm with the intention of gently shaking   
Sam who was standing staring at the floor. At his action Sam sprang into life   
mumbled, "Sorry." And hurried to his apartment  
"Hey I didn't mean to…" Sam's door slammed shut, "…startle you." The man   
said to the empty corridor.  
  
Inside his apartment Sam sunk slowly to the ground. His door was directly   
opposite the bedroom and he stared at it as memories of the attack began to   
invade his mind. Sam put his head in his hands, and closed his eyes as the   
whole sequence played through his mind. He had known he would remember   
sooner or later but he had thought the memories would return gradually or in a   
nightmare, not like this, not like the whole thing was happening again. Sam sat   
on the floor struggling to control his breathing but once he had it under control   
he found he could not control the images that were running through his head.   
With the images came the sensations that he had felt with them. He used the   
door handle to pull himself upwards. He wasn't thinking clearly. He wanted to   
rid himself of the memories but was still panicking and didn't know how to do   
it. He switched the television on and turned up the volume. He knew he should   
take a sleeping pill and just try to sleep or at least lie down but the thought of   
going into his bedroom increased his sense of panic. He thought of phoning   
Josh but didn't think he could cope with waiting for him to come. He thought   
he was going insane and would never be able to rid his mind of the images.   
When his sight fell on the bottle of whisky he stopped thinking and suddenly   
knew exactly how to stop them.  
  
Mindless music accompanied the weather maps that flashed across the screen   
of the television. The only other sound in the room was the tinkling of glass as   
Sam's shaking hands poured the whisky. He drank half of the liquid before   
collapsing onto the sofa. He had not eaten since lunch and he had drunk no   
alcohol since he had been in hospital. Those effects, combined with his   
tiredness and anxiety, gave the alcohol a head start and it soon began to calm   
him down. He reached for the remote, muted the sound and continued to drink   
until the images blurred and then left his mind and he sank back against the   
sofa, glass resting precariously on his lap, and fell asleep.  
  
Josh sat on CJ's sofa his eyes closed and his brow furrowed in concentration.   
CJ leant forward on her desk waiting for his reply.   
"In five steps?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah." CJ tapped her pencil on the edge of the pad.  
  
"Right here it is; Jack Lemmon was in Some Like it Hot with Tony Curtis…  
  
"Keep going Halliwell."  
  
"Tony Curtis was in Trapeze with…Charlton Heston."  
  
"Kirk Douglas."  
  
"Right who was in…Spartacus, who else was in that?"   
  
"Tony Curtis but you've already used him."  
  
Josh stood and started pacing listing the names of film stars. CJ was waiting to   
speak to Leo and Josh needed to speak to Toby both of who were locked in a   
meeting. Josh had a feeling that the meeting was about Sam and CJ did too so   
they lost themselves in a game of film trivia and avoided the subject altogether.  
  
Sam woke to find the glass had tipped over and the remnants of the whisky   
spilt over his leg and the sofa. He wasn't sure how long he had slept for and he   
couldn't remember how much he'd had to drink but he was pretty sure that   
going to sleep would be a good idea. He knew he couldn't face going into his   
bedroom so he stood up gingerly with the intention of making his way to the   
spare room. As he stood a wave of nausea came over him. He reached out and   
held onto the arm of the sofa as the room started to spin. When the nausea and   
spinning passed Sam moaned as a throbbing began in his head so severe that it   
forced him to sit back down. He squinted at the flashing clock on the video and   
realized that he had only been asleep for an hour. He stared at the bottle. He   
was sure that he had only had a glass and yet he felt like he had woken with a   
killer hangover. He tried to stand again and this time he made it to the kitchen   
where he splashed cold water on his face. He held onto the sink and decided   
when he had got himself together enough he would go and phone the doctor.  
"They were journalists…you know…Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas." What   
had begun as a distraction was now a full blown project.  
  
"It wasn't Kirk Douglas it was Burt Lancaster." CJ explained.  
  
"That's good we need him." Josh scribbled through a name on his list and   
tucked the pen behind his ear. "You know I might phone Sam he always knows   
this stuff."  
  
"He's probably in bed he was really tired." CJ came and sat down next to Josh   
and studied the list, "But we do still need Cary Grant."  
  
"I'll phone his cell phone then I won't wake him." Josh grabbed the phone and   
started to dial. He was secretly glad of an excuse to phone and check that he   
was okay.  
  
Sam was reaching for the phone when he heard his cell ringing- it was in his   
jacket that he had draped over the chair. He fumbled in the pockets, the pain in   
his head was now sickening and each ring of the phone seemed to blast to the   
center of it.  
  
"Hey Sam you weren't asleep were you?" As Josh spoke the room started   
spinning and Sam eased himself down onto the floor.  
  
"Sam?" Josh called into the phone.  
  
"I'm here…I don't think…I don't feel…"  
  
"Sam what's wrong?"   
  
"I don't know…I was asleep…I just feel…" His voice faded again.  
  
Josh didn't think Sam was having a panic attack his speech was too slow for   
that, too slurred "Sam are you drunk?" Josh's tone displayed disbelief.  
  
"Drunk…not too much…don't feel well now…feel ill." Sam was now lying on   
the floor his stomach was churning and the room was still spinning.  
  
"Sam where are you?" Josh stood up and stared at CJ who was looking back at   
him.  
  
"On…floor."   
  
Josh took a deep breath before replying as calmly as he could, "At home Sam,   
are you at home?"   
  
"Yes…on floor at home…not well." Josh grabbed his coat and keys and gave   
the phone to CJ, "Keep talking to him I think he's drunk but he sounds really   
out of it." CJ nodded and grabbed the phone as Josh flew out of the office and   
down the corridor. 


	7. killing time 7

Chapter Seven  
  
When Josh walked into Sam's apartment the sight that greeted him was one he   
had hoped he would never see again; Sam curled up on the floor. Josh knelt   
down beside him and took the phone out of his hand.  
  
"CJ I'm here, it's alright, I'll phone you back." Josh flung the phone down and   
shook Sam whose eyes opened immediately and tried to focus on Josh. He felt   
Sam's pulse which was racing, he felt hot and his face was flushed. Josh helped   
him to sit against the back of the sofa. Josh had seen Sam drunk many times   
but never like this. He scanned the room to find some clues to explain his   
condition but everything was in its place and the bottle of whisky was nearly   
full. Suddenly a terrifying thought struck Josh.  
  
"Sam did you take any pills?" He shook him as he spoke.  
  
"No...don't think I...no." The last no was a definite one and Josh sighed in   
relief. Sam grabbed hold of Josh's arm and tried to pull himself up.  
"Feel sick." He mumbled.  
  
Josh helped him to his feet and into the bathroom. He stayed by his side until   
he had finished and laid him back against the side of the bath. Sam was   
breathing heavily and was having trouble focusing on Josh. He noticed his face   
was flushed and he felt his pulse. He had no idea what a normal pulse was but   
he knew that Sam's was racing.  
"Jesus Sam what's wrong with you?"  
  
Sam responded to Josh's voice and tried to sit up a little straighter.   
"Josh...I still feel sick."  
  
"It's alright, what else is wrong?"  
  
Sam was looking straight at Josh now. "My head...my head feels like...worse   
headache ever."  
  
Sam closed his eyes and slipped towards Josh who shook him gently, "Sam I   
don't know what's wrong but I don't want you falling asleep." Sam put his   
hand against Josh's chest and pushed himself back up.  
  
Josh helped him back to his original position and said more to himself than   
Sam, "I'm calling an ambulance."  
  
"No...no Josh please...doctor...call doctor."   
  
Josh studied Sam for a moment and decided he would call the doctor first. Sam   
was clearly not well but he was talking and was making sense. After he had   
given him some water Josh went back to the kitchen and pulled the doctor's   
number off the fridge, the magnet that was holding it in place flew off and   
landed on the other side of the room.  
Toby was just coming out of Josh's office when he saw CJ heading towards   
him.  
"Where's Josh he was meant to be waiting for me?"  
  
"He had to go. I've got to see Leo quickly. Get your stuff together and meet me   
in the lobby."   
  
"We're going to Sam's aren't we?"   
  
"Yes we are." CJ replied as she disappeared out of sight.  
  
Sam closed his eyes and listened to Josh's side of the conversation with his   
Doctor.  
  
"I don't think he's drunk that much...a lot yeah I didn't think he was going to   
stop...I think so...headache yes...like a rash and flushed...he's finished them I   
think hold on."  
Josh came back into the bathroom and started rummaging through the   
pharmacy. He knelt beside Sam and asked, "What pills are you taking?"  
  
"Finished them today."  
  
"Where's the bottle?" Sam closed his eyes and felt Josh shake him.  
  
"Where's the bottle Sam?"  
  
"Waste bin."  
  
Josh tipped the contents of the bin onto the floor and rummaged through until   
he found the empty bottle which he took back to the phone.  
  
"He took the last one this morning...me-tron-id-azole." Josh spelt the name of   
the antibiotics out slowly. "That explains what...oh I see...yeah...yes...no I   
can stay...and if that happens?"  
  
Sam tried to stand as he listened to Josh finishing his call to the doctor but his   
legs gave way and he slumped to the floor again. He wanted to tell Josh that he   
had remembered the stabbing but the throbbing in his head was now so bad he   
could hardly think let alone talk. He opened his eyes as he felt Josh beside him   
again. "It's the antibiotics, you weren't meant to drink alcohol with them...they   
told you that at the hospital why did you...."  
  
Josh was interrupted by Sam moaning and slipping further down the side of the   
bath. He was holding his head in his hands but had both fists clenched. "It   
doesn't matter we'll talk later...you need to get to bed."  
  
Josh helped him to stand, wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled Sam's   
arm over his shoulder. They made slow progress to the bedroom and Josh   
realized he was taking more and more of Sam's weight. As they reached the   
door to the bedroom Josh was suddenly halted by Sam placing his hand on the   
doorframe. "What are you doing? You've got to lie down."  
  
He managed to ease Sam's hand off the door and continued guiding him to   
towards the bed. "No...Josh stop."   
  
Sam couldn't stop Josh from moving forwards so he slumped to the floor   
instead. "Damn it Sam stop fighting me you need to lie down."   
  
"Not here...please...let me get out." Josh couldn't make sense of Sam's   
behavior. The doctor hadn't said anything about him being confused. He   
decided to get Sam into bed and phone again. He knelt behind him and started   
to hoist him up. It was the suddenness of the blow that knocked Josh flying   
backwards rather than the force of it. He stayed on his back feeling his   
bloodied nose and registering the fact that Sam had found the strength to hit   
him. The sounds of Sam stumbling and cursing made him get to his feet and   
follow him. He entered the living room just in time to see him staggering   
towards the front door.  
  
CJ and Toby stood on the other side of the door.  
"Maybe we should have phoned first." CJ wondered aloud.  
  
"You were the one who had us dashing over here. Do we need to be here or   
not?"  
  
Before CJ could answer the front door swung open to reveal Sam's anxious   
face closely followed by Josh's bloody one. Sam was hauled back into the   
room by Josh who swung him round to face him. CJ and Toby quickly entered   
the apartment and watched the scene being played out in front of them.  
  
Josh was gripping Sam's shoulders. "What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
Sam didn't answer. The strength that his panic had provided had now left him   
and he slumped forward onto Josh who struggled to lower them both to the   
floor. For a while no one moved and then Josh looked up at Toby.  
"Help me get him to the spare room."   
  
He didn't know why Sam didn't want to go into his bedroom but he certainly   
wasn't going to try to make him. The two men lifted him off the ground and   
made their way to the room. Once there Josh hovered by the door while Toby   
took off Sam's shoes and loosened his tie. Josh went to the bathroom and   
returned with the empty waste bin which he placed by the side of the bed. CJ   
came in with a tumbler and a jug of water and pulled a chair over to the bed.   
Josh told CJ and Toby what the doctor had told him about the antibiotic Sam   
was taking being dangerous when mixed with alcohol.   
"He said we have to ride it out. Let him sleep if he wants but keep a close eye   
on him. He still feels sick and his head is really bad. I suppose it's a bit like   
alcohol poisoning." He suggested.  
  
"But without the actual getting drunk and having fun part." Toby commented   
dryly.  
  
"Why don't you two go and make some coffee or something. I think it's going   
to be a long night." She helped Sam to sit and drink some of the water and he   
smiled gratefully at her.  
  
"You see! The situation calls for a woman's touch." She said as she gently   
stroked Sam's forehead.  
  
"You're absolutely right CJ. Who do you think we should call?" Josh asked in   
mock seriousness.  
  
"You do know you're bleeding right? From a punch from a man who could   
hardly stand up." Josh opened his mouth to answer but his face disappeared   
from the door as Toby pushed him out of the room.  
  
CJ sat with Sam for a long time. After Josh had cleaned up his nose and made   
Toby look at it twice to check it wasn't broken, the two men sat, watched   
television with the sound off, and waited for CJ to emerge.  
  
At one point Josh turned the volume up as the sound of Sam vomiting was too   
much for him to listen to. And at one point he thought he could hear Sam   
crying and that was when he suddenly realized he needed to go and move his   
car incase he got a ticket.  
  
When he came back to the apartment he was relieved to find that Sam had   
finally fallen asleep. CJ was sitting on the sofa looking exhausted while Toby   
was just quietly closing the door to Sam's room. Josh came and sat down   
opposite CJ. "I asked him why he'd had a drink when I found him but he didn't   
answer. I know it says not to drink with most medicines but this was like a   
serious 'do not even take a sip' type warning. I can't make sense of this."  
  
CJ sighed. "I can." She lifted her shoeless feet up onto the sofa. "He   
remembered the stabbing, he bumped into someone...well it doesn't matter   
how but that's what happened he remembered the stabbing and he came into   
the apartment in a bit of a state and started to drink in the hope that it would   
calm him down."  
  
Josh walked over to the still open bottle of whisky and put the lid back on. He   
knew what it was like to try to block memories with drink. He also knew it   
didn't work.  
  
Josh turned and looked at CJ and then quietly asked "Did the stabbing happen   
in his bedroom?" She nodded.  
  
"Did he tell you what happened?" Josh had now turned away from her again.  
  
"No not really...just...well just that it happened in there and he remembered it.   
I didn't want to push. He was getting upset."   
  
"He said something else...something you're not telling me."  
  
On hearing this Toby, who had sat listening silently to the whole exchange,   
joined in. "No, no, no, we are not having this conversation now. We are going   
to sit here watching television with the sound off and hopefully CJ is going to   
carry on this...maternal thing of hers and make some sandwiches and we are   
going to sit here until we know Sam is ok and then we're going to go home   
apart from Josh who will pretend he is going home but will actually be   
staying."  
  
"You knew all the time?" Josh was amazed at Toby's revelation.  
  
"No I suspected it but you just confirmed it." Toby replied.  
  
CJ smiled and went to check on Sam, Josh made the sandwiches because he   
knew where everything was and while all this was happening Sam slept.   
Toby had fallen asleep soon after eating. It was getting late and the low   
murmur of the television and the warm room had induced sleep in CJ as well.   
Josh stood in the doorway to Sam's bedroom. He found himself trying to   
picture what had happened. Had the man walked in and surprised him? Was   
Sam in bed...no he was dressed and ready for work. He walked further into the   
room and sat on the bed. Why did he think it would make it easier if he could   
picture the scene? Maybe the man had just come in and attacked him before he   
had even realized he was there. He allowed himself to be comforted by that   
thought until reality took over and he knew that Sam would have been aware of   
every terrifying moment. Josh's thoughts were interrupted by a noise coming   
from the room next door. He sat up straight and listened. The noise came again   
this time louder. It was followed by an unintelligible murmur. Josh walked   
quickly to the doorway and the noises became louder. A sudden shout startled   
Josh and woke CJ and Toby. It was followed by another cry, "No...here."   
  
Toby started to rise but Josh held his hand up "I've got it."   
  
He started to make his way to the room but stopped when he heard.   
"I'm here Josh...you're not looking..."  
  
Toby made a move towards the spare room but Josh held him off. "I said I've   
got it." He spoke angrily and Toby backed off.  
  
Sam's nightmares had become more elaborate recently. After the intruder's   
voice whispered that Josh wasn't coming, Sam would lie and continue to wait.   
Sometimes he could see Josh trying to find him but something would be in his   
way, sometimes he could see Josh but Josh wouldn't be able to see him and   
sometimes, like now, Josh would be standing at the end of the room but not   
paying any attention to Sam's pleas.   
  
"I'm here...look...I'm right here." Sam's voice was begging Josh to look at   
him. Josh walked towards the bed and gently shook Sam but it didn't have any   
effect.  
  
"Sam I can see you ...I can see you now." Josh hoped his voice would break   
through to Sam but he continued to thrash and tried to release himself from   
Josh's grip. Josh shook him more violently.  
  
"I can see you...wake up."   
  
He woke suddenly, lurching upwards. Josh didn't let go of his arms until Sam   
muttered. "Jesus." And fell back against the pillows. He didn't seem to notice   
Josh who sat in silence until his breathing had slowed.  
  
He handed him a glass of water "Do you feel any better?"   
  
Josh heard a mumbled 'yes' as Sam turned on his side.  
  
"Do you want anything?" Silence, "Can I get you anything?"  
  
The room was dimly lit but Josh was able to make out the shake of Sam's head.  
He headed for the door but stopped dead in his tracks when he heard him   
whisper. "Why didn't you come?"  
  
Josh stood with his hand on the doorknob, his back to Sam. "I did...as soon as   
you said you felt ill, I came straight here."  
  
"No...when I was stabbed...why didn't you come?"  
  
Josh didn't reply. It was the question he had dreaded Sam would ask and for all   
the times he had gone over the answer in his head he couldn't think of a single   
word to say now.  
  
"I waited...I was waiting." Sam mumbled the words and Josh knew he had   
fallen back to sleep. He stood for a little while longer and then released his   
tight grip on the door handle and walked into the living room. Toby was   
perched on the back of the sofa and CJ stood by him they both stared at Josh.  
  
CJ was about to ask if Sam was okay when she noticed Josh's face, it was   
drained of color and he was trembling slightly. He walked over to the door,   
picked up his coat and bag and started hunting for his keys.  
  
"I've got to go now...can you stay? I can't stay." He was talking rapidly Toby   
noticed the keys on the armchair and picked them up.  
  
"What happened?" He tossed the keys from hand to hand. It reminded Josh of   
Sam in the car when he had brought him home. He said nothing and held out   
his hand for the keys. Toby put them in his pocket.   
"I'll stay but you're not driving home in that state."   
When Toby returned from taking Josh home CJ was in the kitchen putting   
away the last of the washing-up.  
  
Toby entered the room and sat down at the table.  
"Did Josh tell you what happened?"  
  
"No. What did Sam say to you earlier?"  
  
"Nothing he was just upset." CJ carried on wiping the plate even though it was   
dry before she had picked it up.  
  
Toby stood up, reached over and took the plate out of CJ's hands. "What did he   
say?"  
  
She put the towel down and sighed. "He asked me why no one came to help   
him. He was feeling sick Toby and I think he was a little...confused he didn't   
really know what he was talking about." Toby waited for CJ to continue, "He   
told me the man had come into the bedroom and he had tried to calm him down   
but he pushed him down on the bed and held him and then stabbed him" CJ   
paused and looked at Toby, his face was expressionless, "He said that if Josh   
had come then he would have been alright...and as much as he can't cope with   
thinking about the attack it's the memories of waiting for someone to find him   
that he can't cope with."  
  
Toby started spinning the plate slowly in his hands. "That doesn't sound like   
confusion to me."  
  
"Oh yeah what does it sound like?"   
  
"Clarity," He spun the plate high into the air, caught it and put it back on the   
side.  
  
"No I don't think...it wasn't like that. I just verbalized the thoughts of a very   
frightened man. He didn't sit up in bed and say 'I realize how I feel now' he   
was saying it like he still believed it. God Toby, he believes we left him   
waiting on purpose. I don't think he's even begun to come to terms with what   
happened."  
  
"Do you want me to lie on the sofa and tell you about my mother?"   
  
CJ ignored him, she knew her words were making him uncomfortable, "How   
many times do you and Josh have to tell each other that Sam is fine before it   
comes true because if I join in maybe we can speed up the process. Sam is not   
fine and you know that and Josh knows that, you just don't know what to do   
about it."   
  
CJ stopped and Toby looked up at her, there was no flippant comment from   
him this time just a look of total exhaustion. "Work out what to do Toby   
because if you don't Leo will."  
  
Toby sat for a long while in Sam's room after CJ had left. He sat and he   
listened to Sam breath and he tried to work out what to do. 


	8. killing time 8

Chapter Eight  
  
Toby cursed as the plate rolled along the kitchen floor and crashed into the   
fridge. He had managed not to make any noise up till now and he had been   
planning to let Sam sleep until just before he left. He crept towards his room,   
peeked in and was relieved to see he hadn't woken. He had called Sam's doctor   
when he got up and arranged for him to call in the afternoon so he decided he   
would shower and eat breakfast and then wake Sam before he left.  
  
By the time Toby was ready to leave Sam had woken up and was trying to   
summon the energy to actually get out of bed. Although his headache was now   
only a dull throb his stomach was still unsettled and any movement he made   
caused both to protest and forced him to accept that lying down was the best   
option for now. He pulled the sheets back over him and listened to the noises   
coming from the kitchen. It never occurred to him that the person making the   
noise was anyone else than Josh, so he was surprised when Toby walked in   
with a tray.  
"How are you feeling?" He asked as he placed it on the bed.  
  
Sam cleared his throat before replying that he felt better than he did last night.   
  
Toby studied him while he handed him a drink.  
"Well you certainly look better. I'm going to have to go but I want to see you   
eat something first."  
  
Sam reached for a piece of toast and took a bite.  
"Your doctor's coming this afternoon. You might want to prepare for a lecture   
on the stupidity of not reading the instructions on medications."   
  
"I'm sorry I can't eat this." He placed the toast back on the plate. "Did Josh   
go?"   
The question threw Toby off guard. He wasn't sure what Sam remembered   
from last night but he realized that this could be his only chance to find out.  
  
"He left quite early, I drove him home." Sam digested this information and   
then looked surprised.  
  
"You drove him- didn't he have his car?"  
  
"I thought it was best, after what happened, he was in a bit of a state." Toby   
watched Sam's face waiting for a sign that he remembered what he had said to   
upset Josh.  
  
"I'm sorry to cause all this trouble. It must have been tough for Josh...for all of   
you...I'm sorry."   
  
"Sam do you remember what happened last night?" Sam raised himself further   
up the bed and the sheer physical effort it seemed to take astonished Toby.   
  
"Sure, I mixed alcohol and Metronidazole which evidently is not a good thing   
to do." Sam shrugged, "I'm fine now, it's just like a bad hangover I guess."  
As he talked Sam reached over for the toast hoping if he finished it Toby would   
go.  
  
This wasn't fair Toby decided. Every time he came up with a strategy Sam   
didn't play the role he had planned out for him. Right now Sam was supposed   
to be telling him exactly what he had said to Josh and why he had said it. He   
was supposed to admit that he remembered the stabbing. He was supposed to   
ask him for help and let it be arranged for him to talk to a professional and then   
finally he was supposed to be Sam again, the old Sam, the one that Toby didn't   
have to worry about all of the time.  
  
"I didn't mean that. Do you remember what happened outside in the corridor?"   
  
"Of course I remember." Toby wanted to ask Sam if he remembered what he   
had said to Josh but the anger in Sam's reply changed his mind.   
  
"Of course you do I'm sorry...and this isn't the time we can talk later."  
  
Toby collected his things and told Sam to stay in bed when he started to get up   
to see him out. He made sure he had everything he needed and reminded him   
again about the doctor's visit.  
  
"Just sleep Sam and eat something. You shunned my toast and I can live with   
that, I've coped with bigger rejections. But eat something before the doctor   
comes."  
  
For the first time since he had woken Sam smiled, "Can I just say, although I   
appreciate your superior toasting skills, the thought of it was making me want   
to vomit so..."  
  
Toby returned the smile though both were short lived and belied their true   
thoughts.  
On the street below Josh was getting out of a cab and walking towards his car   
which still stood outside Sam's apartment. All the way over he had planned   
what he was going to say to Sam but now that he was here he knew there was   
no way he could face him today. He decided to pick up his car and go straight   
to the White House. That would turn out to be his second biggest regret of the   
last few weeks.   
  
Sam lay in bed for another few hours. The nausea finally left and the headache   
turned into a dull pain. After showering he forced himself to eat some breakfast   
and sat at the kitchen table while he finished his drink. He tried to think over   
what had happened yesterday. He could remember Josh coming and sitting by   
him in the bathroom but the next thing he could remember was CJ sitting on his   
bed. He had some hazy images of lying on the floor in the living room but   
assumed that he was mixing up memories of last night with memories of Josh   
finding him after the attack. He knew that he'd had a nightmare and he also   
knew that someone had woken him up but he couldn't remember who. He   
considered phoning Josh to check he was okay. He decided not to bother. Josh   
hadn't rushed to see if he was okay so why should he? Sam frowned. That was   
an awful thing to think about him but he couldn't help it. Sam's thoughts about   
Josh were increasingly being followed by an anger that he couldn't understand.   
So he didn't come straight away- big deal. He would have if he'd known what   
had happened. But he should have known. He should have come. Sam screwed   
his eyes up and shook his head. He was finding it harder and harder recently to   
rationalize what had happened- so he decided not to try. Maybe if he went   
away. Maybe a change of scene would help him to put things into perspective.   
Sam continued to reason why going away would be a good idea and not once   
did he acknowledge the fact that perhaps he was just simply running away.  
For someone who had spent half the night awake, CJ looked decidedly chipper.   
As she appeared in his doorway Toby marvelled at her pristine appearance.  
"Why don't you look like hell? I do and Josh certainly does."   
  
"Why you say the sweetest things." CJ slumped on the sofa, "I'm putting on a   
façade, if I was to join you and Toby in playing extras on The Return of the   
Walking Zombies I think Leo would suss something had happened. He's used   
to seeing you and Josh look like this."  
  
"Fair point," Now that Toby studied CJ she really did look like the evening's   
events had taken their toll. "I told him Sam had decided he had come back too   
early and was tired."  
  
CJ agreed that was a good idea. The last thing they needed was to have to start   
coming up for explanations for why Sam, who actually read the instructions on   
throat lozenges, had neglected to comply with the instructions of his prescribed   
medication.  
  
"We'll need to make sure Josh says the same thing." On noticing Toby's   
expression she added, "Have you found out what happened yet?"  
  
Toby rubbed his eyes, "No I haven't found out what happened yet and do I   
want to...no I do not but I will because that's what I do at the moment I listen   
and I talk and I observe and I seem to be nowhere near even beginning to   
contemplate what to do about this..." Toby made circles in the air with his arm.  
  
"Hellish situation?"  
  
"Hellish situation CJ yes."  
  
"We've got staff." CJ could think of nothing else to say.  
  
"Yeah." Neither could Toby.  
Sam offered Doctor Cooper a drink while he took off his coat and put his bag   
on the sofa.  
"No thank you Sam I won't be here that long. How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm fi..." Sam remembered it was his doctor he was talking to, "I feel a lot   
better than I did this morning."  
  
The doctor looked at Sam and took in the pale complexion and the shadows   
under his eyes. He knew part of this was due to the rough night but he also   
knew Sam well enough to know that there must be other factors that were   
making him look as haggard as he did.  
  
"Okay Sam let me examine you...would you be more comfortable in your   
bedroom?"  
  
"No! I mean it's fine here you can examine me here." Sam would have smiled   
at the irony of the doctor's question if it hadn't have been for the panic that   
rose as soon as his bedroom was mentioned.  
  
Doctor Cooper frowned at Sam's behaviour. He thought back to Rosslyn and   
tried to remember how he had seemed then. He remembered that he had coped   
well with the effects of that night and certainly didn't display any of the signs   
of anxiety that he was showing now. He set about examining Sam and asked   
casually, "Who did the hospital set you up to talk with- anyone I know?"  
  
"Erm I can't remember her name...I only saw her twice I think. I'm going to   
see someone soon."  
  
"How soon?"  
  
"I'm sorry?" Doctor Cooper placed the stethoscope on Sam's chest, ignored his   
attempts at avoidance and repeated the question.   
  
"Next week...I'll phone next week." Sam tried hard to slow his breathing   
down.  
  
The doctor listened as Sam's heartbeat, which had been racing, slowed down.   
He spent the rest of the time lecturing Sam about how dangerous his actions   
were last night and telling him how serious the consequences could have been.  
  
"Do all your patients get a lecture and examination at the same time?  
  
"No, only the stupid ones."   
  
"Oh." Sam replied meekly. Doctor Cooper smiled, in the time he had been   
Sam's doctor he had grown to like him very much. He grew frustrated with his   
increasingly poor diet and lack of exercise but was always amused at Sam's   
genuine apologies and promises that he would start a new regime tomorrow.   
Having satisfied himself that Sam was recovering well from the effects of last   
night he packed away his equipment and then sat down opposite him.  
  
"But what puzzles me is that you're not stupid and I can't imagine why you   
would do something so dangerous intentionally."   
  
"I took the last one that morning and I suppose I thought they would be out of   
my system." Sam glanced at the doctor who clearly wasn't going to buy that   
one, "I was tired, it was my first day back at work and it had gone really well. I   
must have just got caught up in thinking everything was getting back to normal   
and I wasn't thinking straight." Sam didn't think Doctor Cooper looked too   
impressed with that response either.  
  
"Are you sleeping well?" Sam nodded.  
  
"Eating?" Sam nodded again. It was easier to lie non-verbally.  
  
Doctor Cooper lifted his bag onto his lap and tapped his forefinger on the   
handle.   
"Sam I'd like you to come and see me tomorrow. I'd be a little happier if I   
could give you a proper examination and I'd like to have a look at how the   
wound is healing, run a few blood tests. I'd rather err on the side of caution   
after that infection."   
  
Sam nodded and there was a pause during which the doctor studied Sam who   
nervously looked away.  
"And apart from physically Sam, how are you doing?"  
Sam's reaction to the question was an answer in itself. He shifted   
uncomfortably on the sofa, clasped his hands and coughed nervously.  
Apart from the effects of last night, Sam was doing well physically; it was his   
mental state that Doctor Cooper was becoming more concerned about.  
  
"I tell you what Sam, why don't you come in later this afternoon for that check   
up. I will have more time and we can talk about how you think you're doing   
then. Okay?"   
  
Sam agreed to the doctor's request, knowing that he had no intention of being   
anywhere near Washington this afternoon. After saying goodbye Sam breathed   
out slowly and leaned against the door. He felt like everything was closing in   
on him and decided that going away was the only way he could stop it. He   
walked over to his bedroom and slowly opened the door. He peeped inside as if   
he expected to see himself and the intruder at the foot of the bed, so vivid were   
his memories of the attack. He remembered everything about last night except   
what he had said to Josh. He didn't give it too much thought though and just   
assumed that Josh had freaked at seeing him so ill again. At the moment he was   
more concerned about how he was going to pack a suitcase in a room that made   
him panic before he had even entered it. He suddenly pushed the door open and   
walked over to the wardrobe. Normally a fastidious packer Sam now grabbed   
clothes out of the wardrobe and flung them into the case, keen to be out of the   
room as soon as possible. When he was finished he went into the kitchen and   
started to clear away the breakfast things. As he stood at the sink something   
bright on the floor caught his eye. He bent over to pick it up. It was the fridge   
magnet that Josh had displaced in his rush to call the doctor. The magnet was   
the shape of a boat. Sam put the magnet back on the fridge and went to find his   
phone book. He had already decided he was going to go but now he knew   
where he was going to.  
Toby threw the fourth sheet of scrunched up paper into the waste bin and stood   
up and walked around his desk. He found himself staring at Sam's empty desk.   
There was something Sam had said this morning that had not sounded right but   
he couldn't think what it was. He had run over their conversation a couple of   
times but couldn't think what he had said that was bugging him so much. His   
thoughts were interrupted by Josh tapping on the window as he walked by.  
"Leo wants to see us." Josh didn't glance back, he had avoided Toby all day   
and in the end he had given up trying to talk to him, leaving it to CJ to fill him   
in on Sam's 'cover story'.  
  
Toby walked quickly over to Leo's office and found CJ and Josh both standing   
by his desk. Both stood in silence which was shattered abruptly as Leo's voice   
filled the room and he followed close behind.  
  
"What in the name of all things STUPID did you do?" He entered and slammed   
the door behind him.  
  
"We've probably done lot's of things to make you this unhappy Leo which   
particular thing are you talking about?" Josh hadn't seen Leo this mad for a   
long time and his joke did little to qualm the uneasy feeling that had settled in   
his stomach.   
  
"The thing that has three of my senior staff sitting here looking like shit and the   
other one on a train to Sag Harbor?"  
  
"What?" Josh sat up straight and glanced at Toby.  
  
Leo perched on the front of his desk and continued to stare at the three   
dumbfounded staff waiting for an answer.  
  
"Where ...?" Josh asked.  
  
"Sag Harbor." Leo repeated.  
  
"Why?" Before Leo could answer Toby spoke up.  
  
"As impressed as I am with your knowledge of interrogatives Josh I think we   
owe Leo an explanation and then I think he can fill us in on the what, wheres,   
whys and whens." Leo nodded.  
  
"Yes and when you have finished explaining it to Leo he can come and explain   
it to me." Everyone stood as Bartlet entered the room, "Because I'll be   
interested to hear why one of my staff was shaking my hand telling me he was   
fine yesterday and this morning is sitting on a train to..."he gestured to Leo.  
  
"Sag Harbor." He finished for him.  
  
Bartlet perched next to Leo on the desk and motioned for the others to sit. He   
looked at the four people in the room. Leo looked furious and had done since   
the call from Sam. He watched the other three slowly taking in the news. His   
attention was drawn to Toby who groaned and started tapping himself on his   
forehead.  
"You idiot Ziegler."  
  
"Well yes that was going to be the main theme of this meeting." Leo snarled.  
  
"All day I've been trying to think of something that Sam said this morning that   
wasn't quite right and now, after the horse has bolted from the thing, I've   
remembered." Toby sat down heavily on the sofa. "He said 'thanks for   
everything you tried to do it meant a lot'."  
  
"So what has that got to do with anything?" Josh asked irritably, the last thing   
he needed to hear was Toby fussing about semantics.  
  
"He said it in the past tense." Bartlet said almost to himself.   
  
CJ turned to Josh, "He's given up on us." There was no sense of drama to CJ's   
words it was stated as a simple fact. As far as Sam was concerned his friends   
had done all they could for him.  
  
The next few moments passed in silence. Jed studied his staff again. They   
looked totally defeated and he could not think of a single thing to say to offer   
them any hope or encouragement.  
  
"This is crap." Josh suddenly uttered and then realising who was sitting in front   
of him apologised.  
  
"No that's alright Josh, the crappiness of the situation hadn't escaped me.   
Besides I'm pretty sure it's only the oval office we're not supposed to swear   
in." Josh's half sigh, half laugh led to the tension lifting slightly. "I was just   
sitting here looking at you all and thinking that I didn't know what to tell you.   
The fact is I can't tell you that I know everything will work out in the end   
because you're all pretty astute people and I think you'd know I was lying. But   
I do know this; no one in this room has any reason to reproach themselves.   
Now I'm going to go back to my office and you're going to stay here and tell   
Leo what happened last night that led to Sam's departure and involved, if I'm   
not mistaken, a bloody nose. With that Bartlet patted Leo on the shoulder,   
stood up and left the room.  
  
Toby began to pace and explained the events of last night while Josh absently   
stroked his still tender nose. CJ explained what Sam had told her had happened   
in the corridor and then Josh finally told them what Sam had asked him. When   
they were finished Leo sat for a while in silence the other three sat and waited   
when he finally started to speak Josh leant forward expectantly.  
  
"He called me half hour ago and told me he was taking the sick leave that the   
first lady had advised him to. I asked him exactly how long that was and he   
couldn't remember..." Leo shook his head and sighed "he told me to ask the   
first lady."   
  
Josh had stood and walked over to the window when Leo started talking, he   
stared out of it as he asked, "What are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm going to fire him."  
  
Josh spun round so fast he nearly lost his balance and started to walk towards   
Leo with his hands held up. "Hold on...hold on...we're not there yet. We're   
nowhere near there yet."   
  
"Well where exactly are we then you tell me because so far all I've heard from   
you is 'he's good Leo he's doing great', yeah well he's obviously doing just   
swell isn't he." Both men stared at each other- they had unleashed their anger   
at the situation on each other and as they stared it drained from both of them.   
Leo sat down on the edge of his desk "I'm not going to fire him Josh."   
  
"I know." Josh walked over to the sofa and sat down next to CJ.   
  
The four sat in silence slowly coming to the same conclusion which Toby   
eventually voiced.  
"Well then we wait. We can't do anything else."   
  
"For how long?" Josh asked, "Let's at least set a time limit."  
  
Leo stood and suddenly the atmosphere became business like. "Okay, let's give   
it a month and then it will be time to think again." Toby nodded and left the   
room CJ followed, Josh rose from his seat but didn't move.  
  
"Do you know where he's staying?" He asked as Leo began sorting through   
papers.   
  
Without looking up he answered, "You know I do Josh and you know I won't   
tell you so that was a waste of a question but here's one for you," he put the   
papers down and made sure Josh was looking at him before he began, "How   
did this happen? I mean from what Toby said you knew he was having   
nightmares you knew he wasn't coping so how did this happen?" Leo was not   
accusing Josh of failing Sam he simply could not understand how things had   
got to this stage.  
  
Josh put his hands in his pockets, took a deep breath and looked down at the   
ground. "You know a wise man once told me a story about two men and a   
hole."   
  
Leo smiled, "Yeah I know that one."  
  
"Yeah...This time I think I was meant to be the man who showed the other guy   
the way out." Leo waited and then Josh looked up at him, "Thing is...I was too   
frightened to go back in."   
  
Josh walked back to his office. Once there he shut the door behind him and   
turned his chair to face the window and sat down, one arm on the arm rest and   
his chin on his hand. Nearly 300 miles away Sam sat on the Acela Express   
hurtling towards New York. His position almost mirrored that of Josh's. Both   
men continued to stare out of their respective windows. They were not able to   
focus on the view; they could only see the images that haunted them still.   
  
TBC 


	9. killing Time 9

Chapter Nine  
  
Sam sat and listened as the seagulls called overhead. It had been raining when   
he had started his journey but now the sun was shining. He breathed in the   
familiar smell of the sea and let his head fall back against the seat. The journey   
had tired him out. He started to drift off and didn't hear his name being called.  
  
"Sam...Sam...Pinafore!" There was only one person who called him that and   
he opened his eyes to see his friend Adam walking towards him grinning. He   
was a good looking man, tall, athletic with thick blond hair. Sam rose quickly   
holding on to the bench to counter the wave of dizziness that passed over him   
as he did so.  
  
"Adam...God it's good to see you...how long has it been?"  
  
"Too long." He replied as he hugged Sam. He laughed at Sam's tight embrace.   
"Careful, we managed to squash those rumours at college you know." Sam   
laughed in return as Adam grabbed his bag and led the way to the car.  
  
The journey to Adam's place took Sam along the coast and past the harbor. He   
listened to him talk as he took in the sights that never failed to fill him with a   
sense of peace. There was something about Sag Harbor that lifted Sam's spirits   
and he vowed that when he got back to work he would make the effort to come   
back here more often, if he went back to work, if he went back at all.  
  
"...even if it was a shitty reason that got you here." Adam had been filling Sam   
in on the gossip but now his voice took on a bitter tone and disrupted Sam's   
thoughts.  
  
"I'm sorry what were you saying?" He turned to face his friend.  
  
"I said it's great to see you but it's a shitty reason that you're here....man..."   
Adam shook his head, "I bet they haven't caught him have they? We pay all   
these taxes and for what...I tell you if someone ever broke into my place I   
wouldn't leave it for the police to find him I'd make damn sure he never got   
out but then you end up being the..."  
  
Sam did the only thing he could think of to stop Adam's words; he reached   
over and switched on the radio. He smiled apologetically, "News," he   
explained, "you can take the man out of the communications office but..." He   
shrugged and smiled.   
  
Adam lost his train of thought and to Sam's relief did not continue his rant on   
the pros and cons of vigilantism. They drove the rest of the way in silence.  
  
Josh sat across from Toby. Senator Plowden was stalling they all knew it. He   
had nothing to gain from not accepting Josh and Toby's offer and much to lose.   
But he continued to sit and discuss and argue with them anyway. Toby rubbed   
his thumb across his forehead as if sheer brute force would drive the   
developing headache away. He was about to put forward his final point to the   
senator when Josh stood up abruptly causing his chair to topple and then fall to   
the floor.  
  
"Josh?" Josh stared at Toby in response and mumbled something about needing   
to get some air. Toby picked up the chair and made his apologies to the Senator   
and followed him out.  
  
Toby caught up with him just as he slammed his office door. He didn't knock   
and he didn't wait to see if Josh was alright before shouting at him.  
  
"For God's sake get yourself together. I'm not going through a month of this."  
Josh was stunned at the force of Toby's words. He wasn't looking for   
sympathy but he wasn't looking for this either.  
  
Toby looked at Josh's shocked face and continued in a calmer tone, "You can't   
go through a month of this."  
  
Josh placed both his hands on his desk and spoke into his chest. Toby had to   
strain to hear him. "I did it again...I should have gone to see him. I could have   
talked him out of going...I could have talked to him."  
  
"It was best that you didn't. He didn't even remember what he said to you last   
night. That wasn't why he went." Toby waited while Josh straightened up.   
"Come on let's get back, we can pretend you were overwhelmed by Plowden's   
arguments."   
Sam was lying on the sofa reading a yachting magazine and listening to Adam   
whistling while he cooked their dinner. The magazine started to slip out of his   
hands as his eyes closed. Adam came into the room with two beers and sat   
down opposite him. He watched him sleep for a while, unsure whether to wake   
him or not. He had known Sam for a long time but didn't get to see him very   
often. The last time they were going to meet up Sam had phoned at the last   
minute saying something about a filibuster. They had the sort of friendship   
where they could go months without meeting and then pick up where they left   
off. But this time it was different. Sam had seemed distant and certainly did not   
want to talk about what had happened. When he had phoned this morning   
Adam had assumed that he just needed a break before returning to work but   
now he wasn't so sure. He decided to let Sam sleep. He removed the magazine   
and went back to the kitchen.   
  
By the time Sam woke up Adam had eaten his dinner and was contemplating   
throwing Sam's away. He was just removing the plate from the oven when Sam   
appeared in the doorway.  
  
"I am so sorry Adam."   
  
"Aah he wakes" He placed the plate on the table and got out a knife and fork,   
"Idleness is the canker of the mind."  
  
Sam smiled and without missing a beat replied, "Idleness is the appendix to   
nobility."  
  
"Idleness is only the refuge of...no hold on I'm not doing this if you're sober. I   
only win when you're drunk." Sam smiled and nodded, "Teach thy tongue to   
say 'I do not know'."  
  
"Shut up."   
  
"Okay." Sam sat down and started to eat, surprised to find that he had an   
appetite for the first time in weeks.  
It was nearly eight o'clock. It was rarely quiet enough in Leo's office for the   
ticking of the clock to be audible but he could hear it now. Margaret had long   
since gone home and Leo supposed himself to be alone and was startled when   
Josh appeared at the door.  
  
"Josh...Jesus... you made me jump." Josh apologised and leant against the   
doorframe his hands in his pockets. "I don't think you've asked me for Sam's   
phone number today have you finally given up." Three days had passed since   
Sam had gone and every day Josh had asked Leo to let him know where he   
was.   
  
"You'll crack one day."  
  
"I won't and even if I did you wouldn't phone him." Leo stood up and glanced   
at the clock again.  
  
"Why wouldn't I?"   
  
"Because you respect his wishes and you're big enough to accept that it's   
nothing personal- he just needs his space." Leo checked the time again. "Did   
you want something because I'm really trying to get finished up here?" he   
asked hoping Josh would take the hint and leave.  
  
"No...sorry...I'm gonna call it a day."  
  
"Well good for you Josh." As Josh walked out the phone rang. Leo waited a   
few rings before he picked up to make sure he was out of earshot.  
  
"Hey Sam, how's it going...good that's good. Have you done any sailing   
yet?...well maybe next week...sure...he's fine...yeah everyday...he   
understands...no one thinks that Sam...is your friend there during the   
day?...that's a hell of a drive...oh okay...sure...thanks for ringing I'll speak to   
you on Monday." Leo replaced the receiver and started to put his work into his   
briefcase. This was the third time he had spoken to Sam and each time there   
was nothing in the conversation to give him cause to worry. But each call left   
him with an uneasy feeling and he was beginning to find it strange that Sam   
hadn't been sailing. He moaned often enough about how he could never find   
the time and here he was with a whole month free and still he hadn't been. Leo   
promised himself the next time he phoned he would ask him outright before he   
had a chance to end the call like he had tonight. With that thought he hauled his   
now stuffed briefcase off the desk and made his way home.  
  
Adam sat and stared at Sam. He held his head in his hands and the tears he had   
been trying to hold in finally streamed down his face.  
  
"I'm sorry." Sam gasped. He looked up at Adam and then fell back against the   
sofa as he was overcome by another fit of laughter. "But if you could see your   
face." He reached for his beer with one hand and wiped his eyes with the other.  
  
"So ten years later you're telling me he didn't fall in he jumped?" Sam nodded.   
"And he wasn't drowning?" Sam shook his head afraid that if he opened his   
mouth more laughter would escape. "So he didn't need saving?"  
  
"No but you didn't know that and..." Sam raised his hand emphasising the   
word and forgetting he was holding the bottle caused splashes of beer to fall   
across the table. "He looked like he might have been drowning...and when   
they gave you that..." Sam was going to say award but the word was claimed   
by another fit of laughter. Suddenly Adam jumped up, swayed slightly, and   
then raised his bottle. "To heroes."  
  
Sam jumped up too and Adam held onto his arm as he staggered forward to   
clink bottles. "To heroes."   
  
The two sat up reminiscing for a further two hours. When Sam went to bed   
Adam switched on his computer and started to work. Although he couldn't   
really afford the time, he had taken the first few days of Sam's visit off and   
since he had been behind ever since. He had stopped drinking long before Sam   
knowing that he would be working later on and took a sip of strong coffee as he   
read what he had written so far. He had been working for an hour when he   
decided to stop for more coffee. As he made his way to the kitchen a sudden   
noise made him stop. He stood still for a few moments and heard nothing and   
carried on his way. As he reached for the kettle he heard it again, it was coming   
from Sam's room. He knocked lightly on the door and when there was no reply   
he entered. He found Sam kneeling in front of the wardrobe pulling the   
contents out and throwing them behind him.  
  
"What are you doing?" he whispered, "And why am I whispering?" Sam   
responded to neither comment. "What are you looking for?" He switched on   
the light and knelt down beside Sam.  
  
"Sam...Sam...what are you doing?" Sam turned his attention to the other side   
of the wardrobe and Adam saw his face for the first time. His eyes were open   
but his facial expression was blank. He was totally unaware of Adam's   
presence.  
  
"Wow." Adam muttered. He had never seen someone sleep walk before and he   
sat watching with fascination. After he had pulled the contents of the bottom of   
the wardrobe out Sam got up and walked into the living room. Adam followed   
him, moving objects out of his path. Sam walked over to the curtains and   
opened them he then sat down on the sofa. He stayed there for a little while and   
then walked over to the bookcase where he started to pull books out at random   
until he had made a neat pile of them on the floor. Adam realised that he should   
try to help Sam back to bed but part of him couldn't wait to see what he was   
going to do next. He watched as Sam went back to the bedroom and over to the   
wardrobe. He started putting the things that he had removed back in. When he   
had finished Adam decided to try to guide him back to bed. He walked slowly   
towards Sam hoping that a gentle hand on his arm would be enough to move   
him without waking him. At first Sam responded, he rose and let Adam turn   
him around so that he was facing the bed and started walking towards it. The   
trouble came when Adam tripped over something that had not found its way   
back to the wardrobe. Unable to regain his balance he fell forward taking Sam   
with him. Both men ended up on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Oh shit," Adam pushed himself upwards and realising that Sam was waking   
up put his hand on his shoulder. Sam shook him off violently. He was confused   
and scared; he couldn't work out where he was or what was happening. He   
turned over on the bed so he was facing upwards and this time felt a hand on   
his chest shaking him, holding him, holding him down. Sam panicked and   
struggled upwards. Adam grabbed at his arm as he tried to get away from him,   
"Sam it's alright...it's me...you were sleep walking."  
  
He tried to wrestle out of Adam's grip but he held on. The two men struggled,   
Sam desperately trying to get away and Adam trying to calm him down.  
  
"Get away from me...please...please." The fear in Sam's voice stunned Adam   
and he momentarily loosened his grip. Sam freed himself and made another   
dash for the door. Suddenly he felt himself being grabbed and pushed against   
the wall. Terrified he saw the man standing in front of him, shaking him. He   
felt himself being pushed against the wall again and then the man became   
Adam and he was shouting at him and shaking him and Sam let him because he   
suddenly had no fight left. Eventually there was no noise apart from the sound   
of breathing. Sam held on to Adam's arms and felt Adam gripping his own, he   
wasn't sure who was holding who up so he didn't let go. Sam's breath was still   
coming in shuddering heaves Adam waited for it to slow down, his mind racing   
to make sense of the past few minutes.   
  
"I thought it was happening again...I thought you were him."  
  
"Did I hurt you?" Adam pulled Sam away from the wall and led him towards   
the bed.  
  
"No, did I?" Sam still couldn't quite catch his breath.  
  
"No...scared the crap out of me though...but I think we're even on that score."   
He watched as Sam lay down and waited until his breathing had returned to   
normal. "Are you going to be alright now? I'll only be out there. Do you want   
something to drink...or I don't know...something?"  
  
"No I'll be fine now thanks." He pulled the covers over him and closed his   
eyes.   
  
Adam left the room and started to put the books that Sam had removed back on   
the shelf. After he had finished he shut down his computer and poured himself   
a whisky. His glanced around the room trying to remember if anything else had   
been disturbed until his vision fell on Sam's cell phone. He sat and stared at it   
for a while and then having made the decision walked over, picked it up,   
switched it on and searched through the names. Finding the name he was   
looking for he grabbed a piece of paper and quickly wrote down the numbers   
for 'Josh Office', 'Josh Home' and 'Josh Cell'. He put the phone back where   
he had found it and folded the paper and stuffed it in his pocket.  
Sam woke to the sight of Adam rushing past his bedroom. He heard a clatter,   
then a curse, then a bang followed by a louder curse.  
  
"Adam?" Silence, "Adam?" Adam hopped into Sam's room, he had one leg in   
his pants and while he stopped to talk to Sam he finished putting the other one   
in.   
  
"I'm so late." He started fumbling with his tie. "I fell asleep on the damn sofa."  
  
Sam sat up and rubbed at his eyes. Adam continued to fiddle with his tie and   
smooth his shirt. He watched as Sam sat up in bed and wondered how much of   
last night he remembered.   
  
Sam wiped his hand over his face and cleared his throat twice before asking,   
"Are you in court?"   
  
"Yeah...how's that?" Adam spun round and faced Sam.  
  
"You look like you slept on a sofa."   
Sam slipped back under the covers grateful that Adam was too busy to talk   
about last night.  
  
"Hey Sam...last night...that was just a one off wasn't it. I mean you just   
freaked because you didn't know it was me right."  
  
"Right, and I was probably still drunk." Adam nodded and left the room.  
"You should go sailing today." He called from the kitchen.  
  
Sam didn't answer; he had heard this speech every morning since Adam had   
gone back to work, "Or not...it's up to you. My bike's in the garage if you   
fancy a ride." His head appeared again, "You know where everything is just   
help yourself," he disappeared again, "Oh and can you answer the phone if it   
rings?" Sam sat up.   
  
"Why will it..." He cleared his throat and started again, "Who are you   
expecting to call?" Sam suddenly realised that in the past three days the phone   
hadn't rung once.  
  
Adam came back in to the room, "There's this guy who wants to borrow my   
boat, I've written it down it's by the phone."   
  
"The phone hasn't rung since I've been here." Sam hoped his voice didn't   
sound as pathetic as the thought of the phone ringing was making him feel.  
  
"Well no one knows I'm here. I usually stay in town in the week." He studied   
Sam carefully, "You feeling okay?"  
  
"I'm fine."   
  
"Okay," Adam continued to stare at Sam. He didn't look too bad, a little hung   
over maybe but then he'd had a lot more to drink than him. "We should go out   
tonight." He was beginning to worry that Sam didn't seem to want to go out   
and couldn't understand why he hadn't been sailing.  
  
"Yeah that would be good." Adam looked at the clock, cursed again and flew   
out of the room. A few moments later he returned.  
  
He stood in the doorway and waited until Sam realised he had come back,   
"You sure you're alright?"  
  
"Yes, I'm going to get up in a minute." Sam pushed back the covers as if to   
prove his intentions.  
  
"Okay...well give me a ring later on and we'll sort out what we're doing   
tonight."   
  
When he had heard Adam's car pulling away Sam lay back down and pulled   
the covers back. For three days he had allowed himself to pretend that the past   
few weeks had never happened. But he knew that was over now. Last night had   
ended that illusion. He knew that it didn't matter where he went, he wouldn't   
be able to escape the memories or the fear. And as time went on he realised   
they were becoming more real, more intense and he knew too that he was going   
to have to face them eventually. He just didn't realise that it was going to be   
today. 


	10. killing time 10

Chapter Ten  
  
Adam had been at work for two hours by the time Sam finally got out of bed. The sun   
peaked through a crack in the curtains and sliced the room in two. Sam squinted as he   
walked through it on his way to the bathroom. A nightmare had woken him. He had   
become used to waking that way. He stood for a while in front of the mirror and   
looked at his reflection. Through the condensation he saw the pale complexion and   
dark circles under his eyes and this morning he saw something else. On the top of his   
arms were marks. When he looked closer he could make out hand shaped bruises on   
both of his arms. He remembered struggling with Adam and being pushed against the   
wall. He couldn't remember anything before that. Sam placed his hands on the sink   
and took a couple of deep breaths. The water that he had intended to shave with had   
long since cooled. When he looked up again the sight that greeted made him cry out.   
Sam stared at his image, smartly dressed, ghastly pale, gasping for breath and soaked   
with blood. He fell to the floor. He thought he had remembered everything; how he   
had been stabbed in the bedroom and collapsed before he could get to the phone. Now   
he remembered going to the bathroom and clinging onto the sink, he remembered his   
hands slipping and seeing the blood. His hands were wet now but not from blood.   
Sam wiped them franticly on his jeans; it felt like blood to him.  
  
If that had been all that happened Sam probably could have coped. He could have got   
himself together, calmed his breathing and maybe phoned Adam, Josh or Toby and   
spoke to them until the fear had passed. But it wasn't all that happened. Before he   
could begin to attempt to calm down and at the worst possible moment, the phone   
started ringing. Adam had a phone in the living room and one in his bedroom and   
both rang now, one echoing the other. It sounded to Sam like one continuous,   
ominous, sound. He covered his ears and managed to reach the door with his foot and   
kick it shut.  
He stayed in that position and when he finally moved again the water in the sink was   
stone cold.  
Adam replaced the receiver, got out his cell phone and started to type in a message.  
  
Have you gone out?   
GO SAILING!!   
Will not be home till late :(  
  
Adam flipped the phone shut and breathed a sigh of relief. Sam had not been outside   
of the house since he had arrived. It was a beautiful day and he had obviously decided   
he had done enough moping. It was Friday, he could work late tonight and then   
maybe he and Sam could take off somewhere for the weekend. Adam smiled, pleased   
with his plan, if Toby had been there he could have told him; Sam doesn't follow   
plans, he wrecks them.  
Toby was rifling through the contents of Sam's desk and was so immersed in his task   
that he didn't see Josh appear at the doorway. He watched him silently as Toby   
rummaged through the drawers.   
  
"What are you doing?" Josh's voice startled Toby who sat back on his haunches and   
placed his hand on his chest.   
  
"I'm trying to stave off a coronary at the moment...what are you doing?" Toby took a   
few more deep breaths and then opened the bottom drawer. He searched until he   
finally found what he was looking for. He stood up and showed Josh what he was   
holding.  
  
"Oh," Josh walked closer to the desk, "Do you think he saw it?"   
  
"He must have, Donna told me she put it in the top drawer.  
  
"Where did you find it?" Josh stared at the stapler and wondered how such an   
innocent piece of office stationary could come to represent so much to him.   
  
"Shoved under some paper at the back of the bottom one." Toby flipped it over in his   
hand. The two men stood staring at it as it they expected it to do something. In the end   
Josh took action, walked round the desk, took the stapler from Toby's hand, threw it   
back in the drawer and slammed it shut. Toby stood, speechless in front of him his   
hand still held out palm upwards. Toby was formulating a suitable response when   
Ginger interrupted his thoughts.  
  
"Toby there's a Detective Swane trying to get hold of Sam shall I put him through?"  
Toby told Ginger to put the call through to his office and both men went quickly to   
the room next door.  
Josh listened to Toby's monosyllabic responses and tried to work out what the officer   
was telling him.  
  
"I'm sure he'll be very relieved to hear that...and you're certain about the trial?"   
Toby looked at Josh as he spoke. "Thanks for keeping us informed, I'll let Mr   
Seaborn know." He replaced the receiver. "They've caught him."   
  
"Really? That's incredible...I mean we never thought...Sam's gonna feel so much   
better...I'm gonna phone him." Josh reached for the phone.  
  
"Josh." Toby spoke to Josh as if he was a child reaching for a second slice of cake   
before being invited.  
  
What...this is good news, he'd want to know." Josh was close to whining.  
  
"It's better than good news; he's taken a plea and there isn't going to be a trial. But   
you're still not going to phone him." Toby started writing down details of the call for   
Leo. "Leo can tell him tonight when he calls." Toby didn't look up again, so Josh left   
the office and went back to his own. He was mad at Toby but he wasn't going to let it   
ruin his good mood. He grinned as he approached Donna's desk.  
  
"The Gods of justice have smiled down on us and kicked some ass Donna."  
  
"Are there Gods of justice?" Donna asked as her fingers brushed over her keyboard.  
  
"I don't know but if there are they're smiling on us. They've caught the man who   
attacked Sam." At this news Donna stopped typing and looked up at Josh, returning   
his grin.  
  
"Fiat justitia ...something...ruat...something," Josh trailed off as he couldn't   
remember the rest of the quote.   
  
"Is that Latin for the Gods of justice kicked some ass?" Donna asked with a straight   
face.  
  
"You should keep typing...I preferred that." Josh walked into his office and collapsed   
onto the chair. He swung his legs up on the desk and put his hands behind his head.   
This was a sign; at last things were going their way. For the first time in weeks he felt   
that things might turn out alright after all.  
Sam slowly removed his hands from his ears and straightened out. He lay still for a   
few more moments and then got up. He couldn't think why he was lying on the floor.   
He felt cold and confused. All of his movements seemed to take him twice as long as   
usual and he felt like he was somehow observing himself as he moved about the   
house. He walked into Adam's room and found a sweater. He sat on the bed and tried   
to think about where he was and why he was there, but he couldn't seem to keep   
thought processes going for long enough to make sense of the confusing world he   
now found himself in. He felt angry though, he recognised that feeling. He could   
picture Josh leaning over him looking worried, turning him onto his side and wiping   
his mouth, holding him by his shoulders and calling to him and as the images grew so   
too did the feeling of anger. He walked from room to room, occasionally stopping   
and staring into space. He had tried to phone Josh but couldn't seem to operate his   
cell phone and in his frustration he had thrown it against the wall. He had watched as   
it broke into pieces and scattered across the floor. And then he had shouted and cursed   
and thrown the empty beer bottles at the wall because watching the pieces scatter   
made him feel better. Somewhere along the way he had convinced himself that this   
would only end if Josh came, he had to wait for Josh to arrive and then it would be   
okay. So he went and sat by the phone because that was what was going to happen,   
Josh was going to phone and this time he knew he had to pick it up and tell him to   
come and help him. This time he had to let Josh know and then he would come. He   
sank down onto the floor and placed the phone on the floor in front of him, ready to   
answer and silence it as soon as the ringing started. He brought his knees up to his   
chest and crossed his arms around them and he sat and waited for Josh to call.  
  
An hour later Sam had hardly moved. When the phone finally did ring he reached for   
the receiver with such haste that he knocked it flying and had to crawl over the phone   
to retrieve it. He heard a voice on the other end calling out hello.  
  
"Josh?"   
  
"Err no...no...this is Stuart. Is Adam there?"  
  
"Stuart?" Sam almost whispered the question.  
  
"Yes I'm a friend of Adam's and I've made arrangements to borrow his..."  
  
Before he could explain Sam cut in, "Who are you?" Sam's confusion was clear.  
  
"Look, I don't know who you are but I'd like to speak to, or leave a message for   
Adam. Can you take a message?" he didn't mean to sound patronising but all he   
wanted to do was borrow Adam's boat and now he was stuck talking to some idiot   
who couldn't seem to get past 'hello'.  
  
Sam was angry again, "You're not Josh." He shouted, then in a calm voice he   
continued, "I'm going to hang up now, I'm waiting for Josh."   
  
Sam continued to sit and wait. He tried to remember Josh's cell phone number but he   
couldn't. Normally it was a number he knew by heart but now if he had been asked   
his own phone he would have had difficulty remembering it. After a while he stopped   
trying to remember and it was then he found that a number came straight into his   
head. He dialled and Donna picked up.  
  
"Josh Lyman."  
  
"I need to speak to Josh." Donna recognised the voice but not the tone of it.  
  
"Mr Lyman's in a meeting can I ask who..."  
  
"You have to get him." Sam was shouting again now.  
  
"Can you please let me have your name and I'll..."  
  
"Sam...it's Sam Seaborn." His words were met with silence. Donna thought quickly   
about what to do. She was shocked to realise that it was Sam and that he was in such a   
state that he didn't even realise who he was talking to.   
  
"Just hold on Mr Seaborn I'm going to get him." She rushed towards the Muriel   
room. After one look at her face Josh excused himself from the meeting and caught up   
with Donna who had already began to walk back towards his office.  
  
"What's wrong?" He grabbed her arm and tried to get her to slow down.  
  
"Sam's on the phone but he sounds...weird...he didn't know it was me...he didn't   
know me." Josh overtook her and grabbed the phone from the desk.  
  
"Sam it's Josh, what's wrong?"   
  
"Where are you?" Josh exchanged a glance with Donna as he heard Sam's voice for   
the first time and the tone of it shocked him too.  
  
"I'm in my office Sam." Josh didn't know what was going on but he knew he had to   
try to calm Sam down.  
  
"No not where...I mean...why aren't you here?"   
  
"Sam, tell me where you are and I can..."  
  
"No you don't just...you should be here...I've been waiting."   
  
"Sam, listen to me, you need to calm down and tell me where you are. Everything's   
going to be okay but I won't be able to find you if you don't tell me where you are."  
  
"Is that why you didn't come?"  
  
Josh felt a wave of panic sweep over him and thought the only thing he could do was   
play along with Sam, "That's right I couldn't find you, that's why you need to tell me   
where you are now."  
  
"I'm in...I'm at..." Sam looked around his surroundings, he thought he was in his   
apartment but now realised he wasn't, suddenly it came to him "Adam's house, I'm in   
Adam's house."  
  
"That's right Sam...good...right...is Adam there?" Josh tried to coax Sam out of   
whatever state he was in.  
  
"No he's at work."  
  
"You know I'm in Washington right?" There was no reply, "Sam! You know I'm in   
Washington don't you."  
  
Josh didn't see Leo enter the room as he waited for Sam to reply.  
"Yeah...yes...I thought you were...it was...yes I'm sorry."   
  
Leo walked over to the phone and gestured for Josh to put it on speakerphone, he   
shook his head knowing Sam wouldn't want Leo to hear him in this state.  
"You need to phone Adam if you're feeling bad Sam, phone Adam and tell him to   
come home."  
  
"You're not coming then?" Sam sounded angry again.  
  
Josh glanced at Leo's puzzled face and Donna's concerned one before answering, "If   
you want me to I'll leave now. Is that what you want?"   
  
"I don't know...I think I need to go out somewhere...I'm meant to go sailing...Leo   
said...and Adam...they told me to go sailing."  
  
"Oh Jesus," Josh muttered before answering, "No Sam that's a really bad idea. Stay   
where you are and I'll phone Adam." Leo frantically scribbled something down and   
shoved the piece of paper in front of Josh, "Give me Adam's number Sam...or tell me   
where he works."   
  
Leo looked at Josh's relieved expression as he started scribbling down the name of a   
law firm, he caught Leo's gaze and rolled his eyes. He managed to convince Sam to   
lie down and wait for Adam to get home. When he hung up he collapsed into his chair   
and looked up at Leo. "I think I've got to go down a hole," he said.  
After hanging up Sam did as Josh had told him and went to lie down. While he was   
falling asleep a stream of phone calls were being made. Stuart phoned Adam to tell   
him a mad man was answering his phone. He didn't seem to have a clue what was   
going on and only wanted to speak to Josh. Adam hung up on Stuart and phoned Sam   
but it was engaged, Sam had left it off the hook. Josh phoned Adam but he was   
engaged. Finally Adam found the piece of paper he had scribbled the numbers on last   
night and phoned Josh. The two men spoke for quite a while. Adam explained he was   
worried after what Stuart had told him and Josh was able to fill him in on the rest.   
They arranged that Josh would set off on the next train. Adam made arrangements to   
leave work early and made his way home.   
  
Donna told Josh the arrangements she had made for him. If all the connections were   
on time he could be in Sag Harbour in just over three hours. He just had time to go   
home, change and grab some clothes; he didn't know how long he would be staying   
but as it was a Friday he had the weekend to persuade Sam to see sense and bring him   
home. Toby appeared in his office as he was leaving.  
  
"Don't pressure him and don't make him feel backed in a corner. Don't try appealing   
to his logical side because at the moment he hasn't got one. If you think you're out of   
your depth phone me. If he doesn't want to come back then don't try to force him. If   
you think you're getting nowhere then come back and we'll think again. Tell his   
friend what's been going on and make sure he knows that Leo has only given Sam a   
month." Throughout his tirade Toby had been pacing back and forth but now he   
stopped and stood behind the desk.  
  
"Anything else?" Josh asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah...don't drink the coffee on the Acela it's vile.  
With promises to keep Toby constantly updated Josh left the West Wing and began a   
journey that he had been hoping he wouldn't have to make and as he boarded the train   
he hoped he had the strength to face whatever awaited him at Sag Harbor but most of   
all he hoped he wouldn't let Sam down again.  
When Adam arrived at his home the first thing he saw were the broken bottles on the   
floor beside the television. He quickly saw the beer that had now dried on the wall   
and Sam's broken cell phone scattered across the room. He called Sam's name,   
rushing into his bedroom, and came to a halt when he found him asleep on the bed.   
He was curled into a ball and looked far from peaceful. Adam crouched down beside   
the bed and gently said his name. When he didn't stir he decided to leave him and   
wake him later.  
  
He had removed nearly all traces of Sam's rage when the phone rang. Josh had told   
him he would phone when he was on the train and Adam continued to sweep up the   
glass with the phone cradled on his shoulder as he filled him in on the latest.  
  
Sam had woken up when the phone rang and lay listening to the one sided   
conversation. He got out of bed and went and stood behind the door. The sleep had   
made little difference to Sam and if anything he had woken up more confused. He   
knew that Josh was coming; he had phoned him and told him to come. He listened to   
Adam's voice and tried to make sense of the conversation. Adam was telling Josh   
about the broken bottles, the phone and the nightmare. Sam listened in horror to the   
description of how he had behaved last night. He rubbed at the bruises on his arm   
distractedly. Whatever Josh was saying Adam was agreeing with it. As Adam started   
to reply Sam realised what he was agreeing to; that he should return to Washington   
with Josh. He continued to listen until Adam finished the call and then he went into   
the living room. Adam finished sweeping up the glass and stood up, when he turned   
round he found himself face to face with Sam.   
  
"Holy...whoa ...Sam you scared the..." Adam struggled to regain his composure,   
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Why do you want me to go back to Washington?" there was no emotion in Sam's   
voice and his face held no clue to how he was feeling either.   
  
"I don't want you to; I just think it might be better if you did." Adam placed his arm   
on Sam and tried to lead him to the sofa but it was shrugged off.  
  
"I don't want to go...is that why Josh is coming here?" There was now no mistaking   
how Sam was feeling. His voice was angry, he was standing with his hands on his   
hips and as he spoke he took a step towards Adam.  
  
"Josh is coming because you asked him to come. He's worried about you Sam...we   
all are."  
  
"We...since when did you and the people I work with become 'we'?"  
  
"Since I had to phone them to find out what's wrong with you!" Adam was shouting   
now and walked away from Sam in order to calm down before he continued. "You   
need help...I can't do anything for you but help you hide...that's why you came here   
isn't it, to hide."  
  
"Well you tell me as you obviously know so much about it. You tell me why I can't   
close my eyes without seeing...why I can't stop thinking about...why I keep seeing   
the same images and then new ones that I'd forgotten all about. Why I'm scared to go   
into my own home...scared to go to sleep...scared in case the phone starts ringing."   
Sam was shouting now and walking away from Adam, it was like he wasn't even   
aware that he was there any more. "You tell me! Tell me why I was left bleeding...no   
one came...I could hear them...stupid messages and I was bleeding...I couldn't   
breathe...no one came...I was bleeding I could feel it ...taste it...I was bleeding..."   
  
Sam said the last words quietly with a sense of disbelief. Adam didn't know what to   
do. He looked at his watch and realised Josh wouldn't be here for at least another   
hour. He walked slowly over to Sam, who stood facing away from him, his arms   
wrapped tightly around himself.   
  
In retrospect Adam realised that walking up behind Sam probably wasn't the wisest   
thing to do. If he had given it some thought he would have paid more attention to the   
fact that Sam hadn't acknowledged he was there. He would have called his name until   
he had a reaction. He certainly wouldn't have walked up behind him and placed his   
hand on his back. Sam whipped round with such force that he knocked Adam off his   
feet. His hand, that he had bought up to protect himself, succeeded in splitting   
Adam's lip. The shock of it made him cry out and this cry seemed to break through to   
Sam. He stood over Adam staring in horror at the blood that was he was wiping away.  
  
"I'm sorry...sorry...I'm sorry Adam sorry." Although Sam was rambling Adam was   
grateful that he was addressing him directly.   
  
"It's alright...I surprised you...my fault, give me a hand up." Adam held out his hand   
and was relieved when Sam grasped it and pulled him to his feet.  
  
Sam started fussing and insisted on taking Adam to the bathroom so he could clean   
the cut. Adam was surprised to see the sink full of water and a razor on the floor. He   
stooped to pick it up while Sam emptied the water and ran a cloth under the tap.  
  
"God Sam, don't tell me you forgot to rinse." Normally a sarcastic comment about   
Sam's penchant for cleanliness would result in an entertaining defence of his actions.   
This time Sam didn't reply and just stood wringing the cloth so hard that he had to   
wet it again before handing it to Adam.  
  
"What happened this morning? You didn't finish shaving I know that much." Adam   
threw the razor into the sink.  
  
"I remembered something about the morning I was...I saw myself in the mirror...only   
it wasn't me...well it was me but it was what I saw when I was..." Sam took a deep   
breath while Adam held his, "Adam do you think I should ask Josh why he didn't..."  
  
Sam's question was interrupted by the noise of banging on the door.   
"Adam are you in? You kind of hung up on me earlier and I still haven't got an   
answer about your boat."  
  
"Yeah hold on." Adam shouted, "Why he didn't what?"  
  
"Nothing I was just..."  
  
"Adam if there's a problem with the date I can change it."  
  
"Why he didn't what Sam!"  
  
"I can't stop thinking that he..."  
  
"If you've changed your mind you just should have said so."  
  
"Damn it Stuart, just give me a minute." Adam grabbed hold of Sam's shoulders,   
"Tell me Sam."   
  
Sam looked from Adam to the door as Stuart continued to bang, "You should get   
that."   
  
"Okay, look I'll just get rid of him and then we'll talk, you can finish telling me   
what's on your mind about Josh. Okay?" He shook Sam, "Okay?"  
  
"Okay." Sam echoed.  
  
Adam provided some work related excuse for hanging up on him and to prove there   
were no hard feelings he fixed another date that Stuart could borrow his boat on. He   
looked over his shoulder uneasily as he talked, anxious to keep an eye on Sam.  
  
When he finally got rid of Stuart he went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He   
started to call out to Sam about making a drink before they talked, he asked him what   
he fancied but heard no reply. He asked him where he wanted to sit and was again   
answered by silence. He checked the bathroom and then the bedroom and even before   
he looked he knew that the back door would be unlocked and the gate swinging on its   
hinges. 


	11. killing time 11

Chapter Eleven  
  
Josh stood by the entrance to the car park and waited. He heard a car horn and saw   
Adam waving at him. As Josh approached he got out of the car and shook his hand.  
  
"It's good to meet you, I'm just sorry it's under these circumstances...circumstances   
which I'm afraid have got a whole lot worse since we last talked."  
  
Josh listened as Adam explained to him what had happened. He swallowed against the   
bile that rose in his throat and wished he had taken Toby's advice about not drinking   
the coffee.  
  
"Do we need to phone someone? I mean, Sam's position is...his job...is there   
someone we should tell about this?"  
  
Josh was still trying to process the information as Sam's friend and it hadn't even   
occurred to him what he should be doing about it as a colleague.  
"No, it's not like he's missing is it... Sam running out of your house hardly poses a   
threat to national security and anyway he's probably just gone to cool off and will be   
sitting outside by the time we get back."  
  
Adam didn't reply; he had seen the look on Sam's face and knew he wasn't coming   
back anytime soon.  
  
When they arrived at Adam's home Josh looked genuinely disappointed to not find   
Sam sitting on the front steps.  
"How do you want to do this? I don't know the area so it's probably best if I stick   
with you. We can...drive round and look or maybe walk...driving will probably be   
best right, we can cover more ground?"   
  
Adam couldn't help smiling. Standing in front of him was the Deputy Chief of Staff   
of the United States and he looked utterly lost.  
  
"I'm going to phone a few friends who might have seen him, then, yes, we'll just   
drive around. I can't think what else to do."  
  
Josh sat on the sofa listening to Adam asking his friends if they had seen Sam. He   
then remembered Sam's ramblings about going sailing. After a fruitless search for the   
keys to Sam's boat, Adam phoned the harbor master and told him to stall Sam and   
phone if he tried to take his boat out.   
  
Josh looked out of the window as Adam drove down Main Street, stopping   
occasionally to check bars and hotels. They couldn't find him and no one had seen   
him. Josh thought back to what Toby had told him before he left; he continued to scan   
the people on the street while he wondered if this counted as being 'out of his depth'.  
Leo stood with his hands in his pockets watching Toby clearing his desk.  
"He'll phone us if there's a problem."   
  
"Yeah." Toby threw a pile of paper in the waste bin.  
  
"And he's not alone- Sam's friend will be with him."  
  
"Yeah." Toby put on his coat.  
  
"They'll be fine...Josh will figure out what to do once he's spoken to Sam."  
  
"Yeah." Toby patted his pockets until he had located his keys.  
  
"What train are you getting?"  
  
"The 16:20." Both men smiled; Leo secretly relieved that Toby had decided to follow   
Josh and Toby more than relieved that Leo wasn't trying to talk him out of it.  
Many people walked along the wharf bordering the row of boats in the harbor but   
nobody noticed the man sitting quietly on the deck of his boat. The sounds of their   
footsteps and conversations passed him and in-between the only sound was the   
clinking of metal on the masts as they bobbed up and down. The man looked out at   
the horizon behind which the sun was setting. He was waiting. He took a long drink   
from the bottle, let it fall from his hand and watched it roll along the deck. A loud   
clink heralded the end of its journey as it came to rest alongside two other empty   
bottles. The man started whistling Ten Green Bottles, pausing to count the number of   
bottles remaining and then singing the next line, 'they'll be four green bottles hanging   
on the wall'. He continued to wait. He didn't know what he was waiting for but he   
knew he couldn't go on anymore and whatever happened next would be an end to it,   
one way or another.  
"I think we should stay here for a while and see if he turns up."   
Adam pulled into the drive of his house. He gripped the steering wheel and as he   
spoke he loosened his grip and slumped back in his seat.  
"I'll fix us something to eat and then we think again."  
  
Josh reluctantly nodded his agreement; "I'm just going to make a quick call."   
Adam left him in the car and went into the house.  
  
Toby answered on the second ring.  
"What's going on Josh?"  
  
"He's not here...he had some sort of argument with Adam, walked out and hasn't   
been seen since."   
  
"You lost him?" Toby bellowed and Josh could picture him swiping his hand across   
his forehead.  
  
"I've...mislaid him. I'm at Adam's at the moment, he's making us something to eat   
and then we're going to start looking again."  
  
"I'm right behind you Josh."  
  
Josh was stunned by the sentiment. He knew Toby was just as worried as he was and   
it meant a lot to know that he had faith in him.  
"I'll do the best I can Toby and if I can't find..." Josh was interrupted by Toby's   
exasperated voice.  
  
"No Josh, turn around- I'm, right, behind, you!"  
Josh spun around to see Toby walking up the path towards the car and he jumped out   
to greet him.  
  
"You have no faith in me whatsoever do you."  
  
"No." Toby clapped Josh on the back and started walk up he drive, "Come on,   
introduce me to this friend of Sam's and then we'll figure out what we're going to   
do." Toby waited for Josh to catch up and the two men started to walk towards the   
house.  
  
After the introductions, the three men sat and talked for a few moments before Adam   
went into the kitchen to make some sandwiches. It was decided that Toby would   
phone Leo and explain the situation. Josh sat back and tried to relax. He watched   
Toby pacing around the living room, talking to Leo. He was relieved Toby had turned   
up. He didn't know what to do and felt completely helpless.   
  
"Ron, has Leo filled you in?" Toby waved his hand at Josh who had stood up at the   
mention of Butterfield's name.  
  
"I think they've done that...we can check...no we thought it was too early...that's a   
good point I hadn't thought of that...okay and thanks..."  
Josh stopped listening when Toby started speaking to Leo again and wandered into   
the kitchen to help Adam.  
  
Josh looked at the large round of sandwiches Adam had prepared.  
"This looks great, thanks."  
  
"No problem," Adam picked up the sandwiches and nodded his head towards the   
plates for Josh to bring.  
  
Josh and Adam ate in silence as Toby told them what he had discussed with Leo. Ron   
had suggested phoning the hospitals and hotels. If Sam was still missing in the   
morning, he was going to send a couple of agents down.   
Adam decided that when they went out again they should split-up. Toby would stay at   
the house and make all of the phone calls suggested by Ron. Josh would be dropped   
off at the harbor while Adam checked places he knew Sam had been before. It was   
arranged that Adam would then collect Toby and they would meet up with Josh.  
  
"If you start here you can do a circuit and by the time you're finished I'll be back.   
Sam's boat is in the far end of the East Basin." Josh climbed out of the car and   
watched Adam drive off. As the headlights disappeared he started to walk along the   
wharf following the signs that would lead him to Sam's boat.  
It was dark and there was a slight breeze. The harbor was almost deserted. Josh read   
the names of the boats as he walked along; Oracle, Shooting Star, Restless Peace,   
Maria Pinter. Josh continued to walk and scan the names until his eye caught the   
name he had been searching for; Hooleelia. He stopped and looked at the boat; there   
was no sign of life. He walked towards it and as he got closer, he could make out the   
shape of a figure sitting on the bow. Josh stopped dead. He walked towards the boat   
until he was standing by it. The figure that he now recognized as Sam had not seen or   
heard him. He was sitting leaning over the rail at the front of the boat his attention   
absorbed by the water slowly lapping against it.  
  
"Sam," there was no reply, "Sam," Josh spoke more loudly but there was still no   
reply, he tried again, "Sam."  
  
"Shh," Sam didn't turn round, "I'm trying to listen."  
  
Josh walked closer to the boat, "To what?"   
  
"Shh," Josh stood still, unsure of what to do. He strained his ears; all he could hear   
was the water lapping against the boats and the masts chinking in the growing breeze.  
  
Sam slowly stood up until he was peering over the rail. He turned round to look at   
Josh, loosing his balance in the process. He swung back and grabbed hold of the rail   
again, "It's a bit rough." Sam started to laugh but the sound of it did nothing to   
diminish Josh's growing concern. Sam's laughter died as abruptly as it had begun.   
  
Josh took a step towards the boat "What were you listening to?"  
  
"What?" Sam had no idea what Josh was talking about.  
  
"Never mind," he took another step and started to climb onto the boat.  
  
"Get off!" Josh froze at the venom in Sam's voice, "just get off."  
  
"Okay...okay...I'll just stand here." Josh backed away from the boat and held his   
hands up, "Just calm down Sam...tell me what you want to do."  
  
"I'm not going back...you're not taking me back...if that's why you've come you've   
had a wasted trip." When he had finished speaking Sam slumped to the floor again but   
kept his hold on the rail.  
  
"You phoned me Sam. You asked me to come." Josh couldn't see Sam anymore and   
he bit his lip as he waited for his reply.  
  
"I wanted you to come...I waited...I was listening to my breathing, it sounded wrong.   
Did you hear it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sam suddenly jumped up, "Hey, did you ever find that stapler...oh hang on...it's in   
my desk...I think it's there...you should have just given it back to Toby...he   
wouldn't have minded...not that much...you could have just given it back and then   
you could have come...I wouldn't have been waiting so long." As he had talked Sam   
had walked from side to side of the boat but now he stopped and for the first time   
looked at Josh directly. "You know I've been thinking...it's stupid I   
know...stupid...but...did you know...I mean when I was waiting did you know I was   
there..."  
  
"What? Jesus Sam, no...NO! I came as soon as I realized...I've told you this." Josh's   
mind was racing. Sam's thoughts were jumping from the attack to the present and   
Josh was finding it hard to keep up with them.  
  
Sam nodded and mumbled something. He picked up one of the empty bottles and   
threw it into the air. Time seemed to freeze as Josh waited for the splash.   
"You can go now, I want to stay here." Josh walked round to the other side of the boat   
so that he could get a better view of him.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Sam walked towards the edge of the boat and climbed over the rail. He stared at the   
boat tied up next to his. "Go away Josh."  
  
When Josh first saw the blurred movement he thought Sam had jumped into the   
water, it was only when he heard the thud that he realized he had jumped onto the   
boat next to his. "Go away Josh." He walked over to the other side of the boat. The   
deck was unfamiliar and he stumbled a few times. Josh stood, eyes wide open, not   
recognizing his friend. He walked quickly round to the other side of the boat.  
  
"Hey Sam, come on, this is..." Sam jumped again.  
  
He landed awkwardly but straightened up and swung round the pole he was holding   
onto, "You know there was a battle here once," Sam walked slowly to the opposite   
side of the boat, "Imaginatively called the Battle of Sag Harbor." Josh walked along   
the wharf trying to keep up with Sam. "The American raiders were retaliating for the   
attack by the British on Danbury. It was in May 1777 or April, April or May." Sam   
jumped again.  
  
"Sam...please...come down off the boats."   
  
Josh was trapped; he knew that every time he moved level with Sam he moved on to   
the next boat so he decided to stop moving and see if Sam stopped as well.   
  
"In the middle of the night the Americans descended on the British, their plan was to   
reach Long Wharf and set fire to the boats in the harbor." Sam walked over to the side   
of the boat and leaned over the side.   
  
"Sam please talk to me...I wont make you do anything you don't want to but please   
come over here and talk to me."   
  
"At Danbury the British struck hard, killing 20 and wounding 80 men. General   
Wooster led his men against the British in five days of running skirmishes. He died   
later..." Sam climbed on top of the rail, "...of his," he jumped and as he landed he   
finished his sentence, "wounds."   
  
Josh gave up trying to stop Sam from moving and hurried up alongside him.  
  
"Wooster wasn't the hero though," Sam swung himself over the side of boat and   
leaned over the water while holding onto the rail. "That was Elnathan Jennings who   
knew Sag Harbor like the back of his hand and led his men to the guard house, took   
ninety prisoners and set fire to twelve schooners." Sam had finished his story and   
stood in silence looking down into the water. Josh was so close to him, he debated   
reaching over and pulling him onto the wharf. As if Sam could read his thoughts, he   
shuffled further along the boat. He closed his eyes and muttered something.  
  
"I can't hear you." Josh took a tentative step towards the boat.   
  
Sam started at the sound of Josh's voice and nearly lost his balance. Josh raised his   
arms helplessly as Sam struggled to regain his footing.  
  
"Right, that's it Sam! You're getting off that boat...now."   
  
Sam slowly raised his head and looked at Josh, "Okay." he agreed and without taking   
his gaze off Josh jumped onto the next boat in the line.   
  
Josh turned and walked away. He didn't think he could take much more of this. He   
stood with his back to Sam, one hand on his hip the other frantically running through   
his hair. He took three deep breaths before turning round again.   
  
"Adam was bleeding." Sam spoke as if he had only just realized what he had done to   
his friend.  
  
"It doesn't matter...he understands." Josh felt himself shaking and silently prayed that   
Adam and Toby would arrive soon. Sam held onto the rail behind him and   
occasionally leant forward over the water but made no move to jump.  
  
"I keep seeing him." Josh didn't need to ask who Sam was talking about, the way he   
said 'him' through gritted teeth left no doubt he was talking about his attacker.  
  
Josh realized that with everything that had happened he'd had no time to tell Sam the   
news, "They got him. He's taking a plea and there's not going to be a trial...they got   
him Sam." Sam glanced briefly at Josh but showed no other reaction to the news.  
  
"I can't..."  
  
"Can't what?" Josh came as close to the boat as he dared.  
  
"I can't live with this...this...THIS...I can't live with this." Sam shouted the words,   
frustrated at not being able to verbalize his feelings. "Tell me what happened that   
morning...you've never really told me...I want to know why you didn't...I want to   
know what happened."  
  
Josh was now standing by the end of the boat. He slowly walked to the edge of the   
harbor, sat down and began to tell Sam the events that happened the morning he was   
stabbed. Occasionally Sam stopped him to ask what time something had happened but   
mainly he just listened.  
  
"It was when you didn't answer the pager that was when I knew something was   
wrong. And then I didn't stop Sam...I swear to God...I didn't stop until I got to your   
place."  
  
Sam was nodding slowly. "I know, when I'm feeling okay I know that's what   
happened...but other times...and more and more recently, I believed you didn't come   
because...I don't know why but in my head and in dreams you just left me waiting."   
Sam leaned back against the rail and slumped over as if he was suddenly too   
exhausted to hold himself up, "Bad dreams...and I can't separate them from reality   
anymore."  
  
"It gets better...in time...it gets better, you have to believe that. I lost sight of my   
reality...remember?" Josh waited until Sam was looking at him, "Remember Sam?"   
He nodded and Josh continued, "You get it back, but you have let go of the fear. You   
have to stop being afraid all the time."  
  
Sam suddenly turned his head away and Josh waited until his friend had gained   
control of his emotions. After a while he reached towards Sam, "Come on, let's go."  
  
Sam faced him again; the two men stared at each other. Sam slumped against the rail   
and Josh, his hand held out, waiting for Sam to move towards him and take it.  
  
Slowly Sam started to move along the outside of the boat. He held on tightly as he   
shuffled along the edge. He felt exhausted and had to concentrate on every movement.   
Josh didn't move. As Sam reached the end of the boat he had to remove one hand   
from the rail and turn to fully face Josh. He tried to reach the outstretched hand but   
was still too far away.  
  
"You're nearly there Sam two more steps." Josh was amazed to see the difference   
between the fearless jumps Sam had taken when his mind was fogged with emotion   
and alcohol and the hesitant steps he took now that his body had succumbed to   
exhaustion.   
  
Sam leant away from the boat and held out his hand to Josh. Their fingertips brushed   
and then Josh heard a gasp. Sam flipped backwards, away from his grasp. Josh heard   
his name but it wasn't shouted, it was forced out on a breath. The next sound was of a   
splash and then the swell of disturbed water against the boat and then silence. 


	12. killing time 12a

Dedicated to Suilven, Mellyjane,Vicki and Abigale. It wouldn't have been written   
without you but more importantly, writing it wouldn't have been half as much fun. X  
  
Chapter Twelve  
  
Sam is a sailor. He sails. He's a strong swimmer. But he's drunk. He's drunk and he's   
tired and he's just got out of hospital.  
  
These thoughts ran through Josh's head in the time it took him to fling off his jacket   
and shoes. Sam did not surface and Josh took one deep breath and dived. He swam a   
few strokes before he felt something. He grasped at it frantically before realizing it   
was the posts of the wharf; he followed them back to the top. He scanned the surface   
and had to wait a few seconds to control his panicked breathing before swimming   
down again. He felt the posts again and this time pushed himself away from them. He   
felt something brush against his leg and ducked further down. He groped around the   
murky water until he felt it again. With relief he realized it was Sam's arm. He   
wrapped his arm around Sam and started to swim to the surface.   
  
As soon as his head emerged, Josh took a gulp of air and trod water while he got his   
breath back. He had lost his bearings and glanced around him until he could see the   
wharf again. With one arm around Sam he began swimming towards it. Sam was   
weightless in the water but Josh knew as soon as his body was out of it he was going   
to become a dead weight. He grabbed hold of Sam's belt and hoisted him up onto the   
wooden platform. He pushed against his back with one hand and managed to swing   
Sam's legs up and over the side of the wharf too. He pulled himself up and crouched   
beside Sam who was still dangerously close to the edge. He placed his arms around   
Sam's chest and pulled him back.   
  
As Sam was moved a gush of water left his mouth and he started to cough and   
splutter. The water was soon followed by the beer that he had been drinking. Josh   
placed his knees behind his back to keep him on his side. He had seen Sam vomit   
more times than he cared to remember recently and he started to rub his back waiting   
for it to pass. But this time was different, Sam was gasping for air between retches,   
almost choking. Josh pulled Sam's chin away from his chest and started to rub his   
back more forcefully. He didn't know what he was supposed to do but something he   
did was working because Sam stopped choking. Josh waited until he had finished and   
the heaves finally stopped wracking his body.   
  
While all of this was happening Josh spoke to Sam, explaining what was happening   
and that everything was going to be okay. He was amazed at how calm his voice   
sounded and it helped to calm him too. He gently pulled him further away from the   
edge and onto him so that he was lying between his legs, his head on Josh's chest.   
Josh saw one of his shoes lying in front of him and looked around for his coat. It was   
lying behind him, just out of reach.   
  
"I'm just going to get my coat." Josh started to remove his hands from Sam's chest   
but found them immediately gripped by Sam's.   
  
"I've got to get my phone Sam." He waited a few moments and then felt Sam's hands   
relax. He laid him down gently and dashed over to retrieve his coat. He pulled Sam up   
again and wrapped the coat around him. He fumbled in his pockets for his cell phone,   
praying that it hadn't fallen out when he had thrown his coat off. He reached for the   
inside pocket and pulled Sam closer as he felt the shivers that had started to assault   
him. He panicked when he discovered that his phone was not in his jacket but then   
remembered that Adam and Toby were meeting him here and would be here soon. He   
placed his arms around Sam's chest and instantly felt him grab them again. They sat   
like that for a while. Josh listened to the water lapping against the boats and marveled   
at how something so destructive could sound so peaceful. Eventually he felt Sam shift   
and try to sit up.  
  
"Need to sit up." Sam placed his hands on the floor and tried to push himself up   
higher. Josh sat up and pulled Sam up against him.  
"Difficult to breath." Sam explained.  
  
Josh knew all about collapsed lungs from his own experience. He knew that it was   
possible that Sam's lung would collapse again, in fact after his injury it was quite   
common. As Josh listened to Sam breathe he decided that the possibility had become   
a reality.  
"Is that better?" He asked.  
Sam nodded, "I'm sorry...you...had...to get..."  
  
Josh shushed Sam. He didn't want him wasting his breath on trying to talk when   
breathing was costing him so much energy.  
"Don't talk, just try to relax...they'll be here soon."  
  
"I...didn't want...this...to..." Sam tried to speak again but this time between the   
shivers which had worsened and his labored breathing, he decided Josh was right and   
gave up trying to apologize about the night's events.  
  
Josh felt the shivers and started to rub Sam's arms. He felt Sam slide towards the   
floor, "Sam!"  
  
"Need...lie down....want...on side." Sam obviously felt he would be more   
comfortable on his side so Josh helped him to turn around and rested his head in the   
crook of his arm.   
  
"Better." Sam mumbled.  
  
Although he had told Sam not to talk, Josh didn't stop talking and he peered over   
every so often, anxiously making sure that Sam was still with him. He talked about   
the names of the boats, how Toby had turned up unexpectedly and how horrible the   
coffee was on the Acela. And while he spoke he held onto Sam. Occasionally Sam's   
hands would tighten around his and then Josh would raise his voice until Sam's panic   
faded and his hands relaxed once more.  
  
"Was better up." Sam started to shift again and Josh helped him to a sitting position.  
"Much longer?"   
  
"No, they'll be here soon." Josh was already planning what to do if Adam didn't   
arrive soon. He decided to give them a few more minutes and then go and get some   
help. It seemed like eternity, but it had only been a few minutes since he had dragged   
Sam out of the water and although he knew the sensible thing was to go and get help,   
he didn't want to leave him. He had been here this time, and he wasn't about to leave   
Sam alone again in a hurry.  
  
A few minutes passed and then a few more and Josh realized he had no choice but to   
go.  
  
"Sam, I'm going to get some help. I'll be right back though."  
He started to push Sam forward so that he could maneuver out from under him but felt   
Sam's hand grab at his arm.  
  
"I've got to go...you need help." Sam held on even tighter.  
  
"Don't care...can't wait again...don't make me wait again...can't."   
  
"It's not like last time...I found you...you're safe but I need to go and..." Josh   
stopped talking when he found himself suddenly blinded by the headlights of a car as   
it swung into the car park.   
  
Josh watched as the two figures stayed in the car. The interior light was switched on   
and Josh could now just make out Toby's profile. He was making a phone call while   
Adam sat looking out of the window.  
"I'm not there Toby...come on I'm the stupid one who's probably fallen in...come   
and look for me."  
  
Toby hung up and after a brief conversation the two men got out of the car and started   
walking towards the wharf. They disappeared behind the dock house for a while, but   
as soon as they come back into view Josh started shouting.   
  
"Toby, Adam, over here."   
  
He continued to call until he was sure that the two men were headed his way and he   
watched them start to run towards him.   
  
Adam arrived first and immediately crouched down beside Sam. He removed his   
jacket and Josh was surprised to find it placed around his shoulders. Josh explained he   
had lost his phone and Adam called for an ambulance then muttered something about   
Sam's boat and went running off.   
  
An out of breath Toby suddenly appeared at Sam's other side   
"What happened...God, please tell me he didn't try to..."  
  
"No, nothing like that. He slipped. He kept jumping from boat to boat...it was a   
nightmare...but then I calmed him down, he was just in reach and...he slipped."  
  
Toby placed his hand on Sam's cheek and felt the coldness of his skin. He kept his   
hand there.   
  
"When he didn't come up...I, shit Toby I couldn't find him at first...then when I had   
him and dragged him onto the wharf he wasn't breathing...I must have forced the   
water out when I moved him."  
  
"Side again." Sam started to shift.  
  
Toby muttered, "Oh God," as he watched Josh help Sam onto his side.   
  
"What...what's wrong?" Josh couldn't understand Toby's exclamation.  
  
"You've saved his life. You're going to be unbearable. Instead of guilt ridden Josh   
I'm going to have to live with Josh the hero."  
  
Both men looked down at the sudden sound of Sam's laughter.   
  
"I'm going to be noble and never talk of it," Josh smirked.  
  
Toby made himself more comfortable on the ground next to Josh, "God help us." He   
moaned. Josh and Toby thought they heard Sam laugh again, but when the sound was   
repeated and then continued, they realized he had started to cry. There was a time   
when the thought of Toby seeing him cry would have mortified Sam, but now he   
found he didn't care. He felt Josh's arms tighten around him and Toby's hand on his   
shoulder and for the first time since he had walked out of his bedroom and found a   
stranger in his home, he felt safe again.   
  
It took a while for the three men to recognize the approaching thuds as Adam's steps   
on the wharf. They increased in volume until Adam was beside them again holding   
blankets from Sam's boat. He placed one over Sam and draped the other over Josh's   
shoulders. Josh pulled the edges over him so that they covered Sam too as he shifted   
again and returned to sitting up and leaning against him.   
  
Toby asked Adam if he had a boat here, and as they talked about the harbor Josh   
watched Toby reach into his pocket, pull out a handkerchief and start to wipe Sam's   
eyes and nose. The move seemed so natural; Josh wouldn't have been surprised if he   
had heard Toby instruct Sam to 'blow'.   
  
The lights of the ambulance illuminated the boats; but it didn't reach the group of men   
sitting huddled on the end of the wharf. Adam jumped up and ran to meet the   
paramedics. Josh watched his form emerging from the darkness into the brilliant blue   
flashing lights.   
  
As the paramedics came into view, Sam insisted that he wanted to walk. Josh and   
Toby supported him and he managed a few steps before he leant heavily against Josh,   
mumbling, "Perhaps not." and let the paramedics help him onto the gurney. Sam's   
lung had collapsed and he was suffering from the effects of the cold but more than   
anything he was tired. He had finally released the stress and fear of the past few   
weeks and in their place was exhaustion. Sam felt the oxygen mask being placed on   
his face and heard the doors slamming shut. He thought he could hear Josh's voice but   
when he opened his eyes he couldn't see past the face of the paramedic who bent over   
him. The next time he opened his eyes he was lying in a hospital bed, it was the   
middle of the night, and Josh was asleep by his side. When he woke in the morning   
Josh was still there.  
  
Josh lifted his head towards the sky and felt the sun warm on his face. He rested   
against the side of his car and jingled the keys in his pocket. He was waiting for Sam.   
The 'just five minutes' it would take him to say goodbye to Adam had already turned   
into fifteen. Josh didn't care, he had waited two weeks for Sam to decide he was ready   
to come back to Washington, so he decided he could stand and wait in Adam's   
driveway for a while longer.   
  
Eventually the two men emerged from the house. Adam was laughing at whatever   
Sam was earnestly trying to explain to him. Josh walked over to Adam and shook his   
hand.  
  
"Sam's worked out a route for the way home." Adam grinned as Josh's expression   
fell.   
  
"Before we get in that car you've got to promise me that you're not going to tell me   
which way to go." Josh said.  
  
Sam smiled as he hugged Adam. "I might point out a few detours." he said to Josh as   
he walked past him and towards the car.  
  
"No, there will be no detours, no easier routes and definitely no scenic routes."  
Josh climbed in and grabbed his copy of the route home that Sam was studying.  
  
"I might point them out, is all I'm saying. I could do it after we've gone by...it would   
be like a retrospective route."   
  
"You know...I saved your life, aren't you meant to be beholden to me or at least   
eternally grateful or something."   
  
"I can be beholden to you and point out alternative routes."  
  
Josh sighed as he started the engine and handed the route to Sam. Adam followed the   
car out of the driveway. He waved until it had disappeared from view.  
Josh reached over and grabbed the piece of paper from Sam's hand.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You made a noise."  
  
"Josh I think you need to pull over and take a break." Sam tried to grab the piece of   
paper back.  
  
"When we passed that exit you made a noise...it was a tut or a snort...whatever...you   
made a derogatory noise about my route."  
  
"I was just going to say if you'd gone off at..."   
Sam woke suddenly as the car bumped along the uneven road surface.  
  
"We're nearly there, do you want to stop?"  
  
Sam stretched as much as could within the confines of his seat, "No let's just carry   
on- how long have I been asleep?"  
  
"Forty-five blissful minutes."   
  
"Let's just carry on...I want to get home." Sam murmured as he closed his eyes again.  
The radio reception had been getting worse until eventually it became two stations   
vying to be heard above each other. Sam reached over and switched it off.  
  
"Did Adam tell you about the sleepwalking?" He had been quiet for the last half hour   
and Josh was expecting it to lead to a question like this.  
  
"He told me everything." It was dark now and neither man could see the other's face   
clearly.  
  
"I don't blame you...I did...but that wasn't me...does that make sense?"  
  
"Yes."  
Both men were surprised to find a space exactly opposite the entrance to Sam's   
apartment. It was tight, but after several maneuvers Josh squeezed between the two   
cars, switched off the engine and quietly announced, "Here we are."  
  
"Here we are." Sam repeated.   
  
They sat in silence for a while, both weary from the journey. Josh watched as Sam   
carefully folded the route. He turned to Sam as he felt the paper placed in his hand,   
"See- I got you home."  
  
Sam nodded and smiled, "You did."   
By the time they had reached Sam's apartment Josh had decided he was too tired to   
go back down and drive home. Sam said he would get the spare room ready but Josh   
stopped him and insisted he go to bed. Sam didn't argue; the journey had tired him   
out more than he had expected. Josh watched as he walked towards his bedroom. He   
stalled for moment before opening the door, but then he grasped the handle firmly and   
swung the door open. He called 'goodnight' to Josh before closing it behind him. He   
walked over to the end of the bed and ran his hand over the quilt. In the morning,   
when his vision was no longer clouded with tiredness he would notice that there was a   
brand new quilt and cover on his bed. He would ask Josh about it and he would   
explain that CJ had bought it for him. In the morning he would see that his telephone   
and answering machine had been replaced and Josh would tell him that his old ones   
were out of date and that nobody had a separate answer machine and phone anymore.   
In the morning he would find cards from his friends and a letter from the President.   
He would smile at Toby's message and read it twice before placing it with the others.   
He would do all this and more but first he had to sleep.   
  
In the morning he would begin to see clearly again.  
  
THE END  
  
Thanks for reading. 


End file.
